Welp. Unless the federal government comes through with something real quick—and it’s not looking good—we’re in the final days of legal hemp-derived consumables. It’s all Mitch McConnell’s fault; too bad he’s not alive to see the fruition of his actions.
Drink ‘em if you got ‘em, and if you can find ‘em in stores (liquor shops are still well stocked) you might be able to score good “final” sales.
Greta’s Hi-Time Soda
About: Who is Greta, and why is she trying to get me stoned? It makes no difference; I'm easy to convince. This four-flavor weed soda is made by Harriet Grove Botanicals, a Minneapolis-based brand.
Where I got It: $7 at Marigold, but I have also spotted four packs of these guys in liquor stores all over town, including McDonald’s Liquor near Minnehaha Falls.
Flavor: I’m not sure what “Mountain Lemonade” is; Google suggests that's it's lemonade with moonshine. However, "Greta" (whoever she is) says this is a lemon-based drink with “blood orange, yuzu, and elderflower" that "finishes with a hint of pear and natural terpenes.” I’m getting notes of orange juice and lemonade from concentrate (like, the kind that comes frozen in a can) with citric acid on the back end. I like it well enough, but I don’t know that I would buy it again.
Experience: A 10 mg-er, so it'll get you stoned. This is a soda with sugar, so drink it in the daytime. I downed mine after an afternoon of running errands on foot and, just like real lemonade, it hit the spot.
Joy Rush Tropical Tangerine
About: OK, I fell for the tiny can again. Last month I tried Joy Rush's wild berries version and this month I impulse bought the tropical tangerine flavor on my way to check out at Marigold. Anyway, this is an Eden Prairie-based brand that specializes in mini canned drinks and edibles.
Where I got It: $6 at Marigold.
Flavor: This one tastes a little better. It’s more pineapple than orange, but there’s still something artificial on the back end. It might just be that I'm unfamiliar with monk fruit juice, which is listed in the ingredients.
Experience: This is a teeny little 10 mg can, so it packs a wallop but won't stop you from enjoying a shitty movie. Slamming this while watching The Housemaid really helped me get onboard with Amanda Seyfried’s campy performance. She's gonna be such a good scenery-chewing elder if she keeps acting in old age.
Bloom & Barrel’s Chardonnay
About: This alcohol-free, THC-laced wine actually comes from wine country, specifically Paso Robles, California.
Where I got It: This was sent to me in a promo mailer, but you can get it for $32 online (looks like there’s a 33% off deal, too).
Flavor: This drink is so interesting. It smells like real wine. It doesn’t taste like wine, though. It doesn’t have the oakiness of a chardonnay nor does it have that buttery texture. But it does have a little something that whispers “fancy.” I’m getting notes of peach and white grapes, but it’s not overly sweet or rotten. It kinda reminds me of a super dry riesling.
Experience: This is a great lower-dose option. There’s 20 mg of hemp-derived THC per bottle, so you can easily enjoy an average-sized glass of wine for a 2.5 mg drink. It could also be fun to extend it even more by mixing it into a sangria recipe.
