For this installment of ElimiDATE, we’re going to the ‘burbs, looking for love in Prior Lake. Today’s puppet master is Christina. She’s in the National Guard and knows how to shoot an M16 and drive a Humvee.
“I’m looking for a guy who’s good looking and wild at heart and he’s got to have a great smile,” she says. That all sounds reasonable!
Shooting Guns
We open the date at Minnesota Horse and Hunt Club. They’re going to do some clay pigeon shooting. She wants to show the guys that she’s “not just a pushover, wimpy little girl.” She’s not like the other girls!
“Going on a date with four guys at once seems kinda overwhelming, but I think it’s gonna be fun,” she says.
We meet the dudes. Rico loves hunting and works in construction. “I like to shoot a deer so that I can have meat and I don’t have to go to the grocery store and get it,” he brags. But like, do you only eat venison? Do you not need to go to the store for cooking supplies? Side dishes? Beer? Is this guy a secret carnivore? Is he a T-Rex? Am I overthinking this humblebrag? Maybe!
“I did get voted best hair in high school,” he says. (His hair is buzzed less than half an inch long.)
Up next is Jon, a professional rollerblader. He ranked 12th at the X Games. Hell yeah. “Girls like me because I’m a bad boy,” he says. “I’m kinda like a rock star without the fans and the money.” We’ve found this episode’s jester, folks.
Andrew is a philosophy and political science double major. “I’m a guy who loves to have fun,” he says as a shot of him hopping through a water feature in a park. Wacky!
Matt works in an environmental engineering department “at a major university.” Gee, where could that be? There’s a shot of him doing science things at what is probably the U of M.
Five seconds after meeting the dudes, Christina asks the guys to share something that might surprise her. Jon jumps at the chance to pull up his shirt and show his pierced nipples. He makes a “woot!” holler as he flashes them.
“I’ve never been one for nipple piercings,” says Matt earnestly in an interview. “It was kinda forward of him.”
Rico’s surprising secret is that he developed abs and biceps at six months old. Whatever, dude.
They start shooting at clay pigeons. It’s hard to tell what’s happening because this show was filmed using pre-hi-def technology and it’s a cloudy day. Also, it’s hard to flirt and be trashy when you’re wearing ear plugs and taking the time to safely shoot guns.
Still, the dudes share their opinions on Christina.
“I thought Christina was really fly,” says Jon.
“Great body,” mouth-breathes Andrew. “Great little tush, too.”
ElimiDATE time!
“This has definitely been the best date I’ve ever been on, for real,” says Christina with no emotion. “Four guys–you can’t beat it.”
She cuts Andrew. He gives her a hug, the guys a thumb’s up, and walks off. They play "Taps."
Doggies!!!
They’re at a kennel to play with a bunch of hyperactive puppers who are all experiencing level 10 zoomies. Fun! “I think you can tell a lot about a guy–a person–with how they interact with animals,” exposites Christina. I agree!
She asks them to pair up with a dog. They have five minutes to teach their very overstimulated dogs a trick to impress her.
Jon decides to dance with his dog. “I’ve found that girls are suckers for guys who dance with dogs,” he says, explaining his strategy. He grabs its paws and tries to do a twirl. The dog seems intrigued, if a little confused. Rico tries to play fetch with his dog and it just runs off into nature. Matt’s dog follows a bunch of commands, because it’s a class act, obviously.
Christina asks what types of dog each guy is.
Matt says Rico is a beagle because “it’s the kinda dog you can probably find on the carpet in front of the fire. You know, just kinda hanging out.” Nothing wrong with that!
Jon says Matt is a bloodhound because “he probably has a great sense of smell.”
Christina asks if Jon is a dog person. He tells her he’s a crocodile person, because “they have big mouths—and no one messes with them.”
Rico seems upset. “I don’t know if he thinks this is a joke for him or not, but that’s the way he’s acting,” he says in an interview. This competitive dating show is very serious! I sure hope Jon is here for the right reasons.
ElimiDATE time! Matt is out. “I would probably say I made the biggest connection with the dog,” he says. His dog was so well-behaved with him, so he probably did.
Holy Shit, This Round Has Alcohol!
Finally! This episode has not been very spicy, and I blame the lack of alcohol. So I’m glad to see that we’re finally doing some drinking at Trigger’s, which is the clubhouse/restaurant at the gun range they were at earlier. You know that type: wood paneling, taxidermied animals on the wall, big bar stocked with light beers.
“I want to see who’s going to be really fun, maybe sensual,” says Christina.
Cut to a shot of her dumping a six-pack of beers on a table with buffalo wings. There’s also a single margarita, two glasses of soda, and Jon appears to have ordered some sort of drink in a gimlet glass.
They play “Beer Hunters.” It’s basically truth or dare or only your choices are truth or open a can of beer if you don’t want to answer. Two of the cans in the six-pack have been shaken. Dude, I would take the beer every time.
They guys quiz each other on porn, masturbation, and role playing, of course. Only one beer is cracked open and remains undrunk. Send me that beer. I will drink it!
Christina says she wants to dance. They enter the whitest, most Midwestern dance floor ever. It’s a five-by-five space where three other women, most likely 40-something moms, are getting down, doing that swaying-with locked-knees dance.
Not reading the room, Rico gives her a legit pro level striptease. The ladies and Jon stop dancing and stare. When it’s Jon’s turn he does the most awkward dance around Christina. Relatable.
ElimiDATE time! Christina tells Jon that he’s just “too much.” She says she would totally hang with him but he’s just giving her friend vibes. Jon seems bummed, and walks off into the dark night, to be seen again later on a Las Vegas episode that I will review later this month.
“You’re trading 80-some years of enjoyment and happiness and fun times for a deer hunter,” laments Jon. “Have fun shooting bucks.”
Were you a contestant on ElimiDATE? Or any other dating show that filmed here in the '00s? Hit me up at jessica@racketmn.com; I would love to talk with you!
