Today’s puppetmaster is Anna. She’s a recent high school grad. Jesus, that is too young for this bullshit. She’s headed to the U of M for vocal performance this fall… 20 years ago. Hope it worked out for her! She’s a nanny and loves kids, and plans to have a big family of her own someday. She’s not into partying. As you shouldn’t be, young lady!
We’re back at the Mall of America this ep. “I’ve never been on a blind date before so this is going to be pretty exciting because I’ll have four of them at once,” she jokes.
First we meet Tony, a communications major at Augsburg. He also wrestles. (“I know what a girl wants: me.”)
Brian is a kinesiology major at the U. He is totally shooting his intro inside a dorm room. There’s a shot of him throwing a football in an alleyway a la Johnny in The Room. “The female body is amazing in and of itself,” he says. “I could stare at a female all day.” Creepy!
Andrew is a senior at the U. He thinks he was born 50 years too late because he loves the style of older eras. He’s wearing a plaid top and pre-hipster hipster glasses, and has gel spiked frosted hair. My dude, you are pure ‘00s.
Mike works at a feed store up north. He wears a bandanna 24-7. That’s like, one of his personality traits. He loves going fast on his motorcycle, but not with relationships. He implies that he is saving himself for marriage.
The guys introduce themselves to Anna. Tony says he doesn’t know what a feed store is (though it sounds like he could be saying “feet,” which would explain the confusion). Mike says Tony is gross because he thinks wrestling is gay. But Mike is a man whose masculinity is so fragile he never takes off his bandana, so whatever dude.
Date #1: Camp Snoopy!
Activity time! They head to the Ripsaw at Camp Snoopy. They halfheartedly fight to sit next to Anna and Bandana Mike wins. Tony says he is thankful to take a seat on the ride by himself. His masculinity is so fragile that he thinks sitting next to a dude on a rollercoaster is gay.
After the ride, they all pile onto a bench together to talk about themselves. (By Tony’s definition of gay, this is basically a gay orgy.) Mike says people would never suspect he’s from a small town. (Hahahaha! Oh, buddy.) Brian proudly admits he wears a speedo sometimes. Now the guys think he’s gay! Andrew says one of his goals in life is to have a pet monkey. Dream big! Tony tells the gang that he has siblings. Okay!
Anna says she’s fluent in Spanish because her dad is from Ecuador. “You have French fries in your pants,” says Brian, proudly, in Spanish. “That‘s not something you say to a lady!” exclaims Mike in an interview.
Time to ElimiDATE! It’s Tony. He’s too quiet. He flashes his abs to the camera and heads off to ride the log ride alone.
Date #2: It’s fencing!
Apparently there was a fencing school at the MOA at one point. Their instructor is hilarious. He keeps asking them if they’re “ready to get it onnnn.”
They fence. It’s impossible to tell what is going on. They seem to be enjoying themselves though.
Next she gives them $1. She wants them to go into the Dollar Store and get presents for each other. It’s dumb. None of the jokes manage to land.
Time to end a dud segment! Andrew is sent packing. “He’s like, ‘My crap don’t stink,’” says Mike. “But in the long run? It did.”
Date #3: Build-a-Bear
Anna wants the two remaining dudes to make a bear for her. “I want to see the inner child in them,” she says. There’s a shot of an employee who looks very over her job. As someone who once worked in that mall? Relatable, lady.
Brian chooses a koala in hospital scrubs that she can hug when she gets a stomach ache. Lame. Mike went all out, putting his brown bear in armor (representing their fencing excursion) and a bandana (representing his bandana, which presumably has fused to his skull and is holding his brain in). “Mike’s bear sucks!” says Brian. “It’s gaudy.”
Anna decides to bring children into this shitshow. She makes the guys present their bears to a crowd of kids. She asks them to choose between the doctor bear or the heroic bear. The kids all vote for Mike’s bear, duh.
During his bear interview, the show has a “Dr. Bearvorkian” tag on Brian. What a dark throwback!
Time for the final elimiDATE! Anna dumps Mike, saying he was bad with the kids. (But... they voted for him?) Mike handles it well, calling Brian fake and pathetic before storming off. “Brian played very dirty in this game,” he says. “He basically won on lies, okay?” He takes his bandana (but not his bear) and leaves.
