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Let’s Watch This Saint Paul Saints ‘ElimiDATE’ Episode from the ’00s

Suspense? Only one of these guys gets to first base!

So, this happens.

Guys, after recapping one classic episode last week, I have fallen down the ElimiDATE rabbit hole. Turns out there is an entire treasure trove of Minnesota episodes out there, and a lot of them are on YouTube. Amazing!

Today’s recap is a lady-driven episode. Lindsay is a server at a “great sports bar in Chaska.” She has an awesome Minnesota accent. I'm already rooting for her.

“The best part about being a server is meeting guys left and right and getting digits on the job,” she says. A multi-tasker! She explains that she’s looking for a boyfriend. Woo boy, you came to the wrong place, lady!

Tailgating is Just Drinking in a Parking Lot

We open to an establishing montage of Minneapolis. There’s a shot of the Stone Arch Bridge, a few fast-moving shots of downtown Minneapolis, and a shot of the Uptown Theatre sign. OK, but, this date is taking place in St. Paul and ending in the North Loop.

We’re starting things at at ye olde Midway Stadium for a Saint Paul Saints game. Alright!

It’s time to meet the guys. First up is Tory, a marketer who’s the youngest of seven kids. “I’m lookin for ‘the one,’ not a one night stand,” he says in an interview. Weird choice to go on ElimiDATE, then, but okay.

Next is Josh. Josh kinda looks like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. He’s got that Justin Bieber/modified “Rachel” haircut a lot of "sensitive" guys rocked in the '00s. He’s a server who writes poetry. “When I first meet a girl, they think I'm lighthearted and goofy,” he says. “But when it comes down to it, later in the bedroom, I can bring the freak out in any girl.”

Next we meet Travis, a garbage man who met Britney Spears once, and Brock, a bouncer who’s afraid of spiders.

The gang assembles around a truck in the parking lot. It looks like they’re drinking Miller High Lifes (or is it Millers High Life?). Lindsay explains that she works for a beer company and sometimes does promo nights. “That’s what I am looking for in a wife,” says Brock.

She asks the guys what they do for a living. Travis says he’s a “sanitation engineer.” Lindsay asks about the most interesting thing he’s found in the trash and, hilariously, his entire response is bleeped out. We’ll never know what it was... but my guess is a sex toy of some sort. 

In an interview, Josh says it’s cool the he’s a garbage man. Gotta love this bro-forward support for public service workers.

Linday, who's 21, asks the guys their age. Everyone is in their early 20s except for Tory, who’s 30. The gang is shocked. The guys christen him the “wise man.” Tory says that age gaps are no big deal to him, citing Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. “It’s more common these days,” he says.

“You just stay confident and you’ll get Ashton Kutcher eventually,” one guy jokes.

“Yes,” says Tory, pumping his fist. “That’s my dream!” These guys are cute. This is typically the smack-talking portion of the episode, but they’re mostly just goofin’ here.

Lindsay asks the guys what they’re most proud of, and the answers are so pure. Tory won every spelling bee up to the eighth grade (“I can spell pretty much any word”). Brock is proud he graduated from high school. He explains that he went to 16 schools because he was a “pain in the ass.” Red flag! Red flag! He tells Lindsay he would only be a pain in her ass if she “wanted him to be.” The gang laughs.

“That was a little innuendo,” he says, air-quoting on “innuendo.” They ask him to spell “innuedo.” 

“I’m not a good speller,” he admits. “That’s what secretaries are for.” You can literally see Lindsay’s face drop as he says this. Right on, Lindsay.  

Time for elimidation! She kind of looks back and forth unsure for a moment but decides on Josh. She’s a little too “zippity” for him. 

“I’m gonna have to find my true love somewhere else,” says Josh in an interview. “If I could have done anything different, I would have proposed to Lindsay the first second I saw her.” Yes, that could have changed the game completely.

Phase 2: Foul Balls

The game begins. Lindsay asks what type of girls they guys like. 

“I like big girls: Beautiful, intelligent, and graceful,” says Tory. Cheesy!

Brock looks for Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, because they’re not a “bunch of whores.” “I have this saying,” he says, acting like he’s about to drop a truth bomb. “Don’t be a whore.” Red flag! Red flag! Red flag! One of the guys calls him a child molester.

Brock makes her repeat the whore mantra back at him like a serial killer would, then he starts yelling for free refills.

“First impressions? I don’t come off that great,” Brock admits once he calms down again.

“You come off like a whore in a church,” says Tory. 

Brock starts buzzing; I think he's pretending to be a bee? He's going off the rails, guys. The conversation devolves into “your mom” jokes.

“I think Tory's a punk. A 30-year-old punk,” says Brock in an interview. “I think Tory should be cut because his life is in jeopardy.” Brock claims he’s gonna “beat him to death.” Uh, red flag? 

It’s time to elimidate. Lindsay and the gang are on the Jumbotron. She’s letting the crowd decide. The people boo Brock. Lindsay agrees. I agree. Brock takes the news well, hopping the railing and running onto the field, grabbing players and throwing his mic kit on the ground. In his final shot we see him screaming about the cops coming as he runs off into the dark night. For all we know, he's still out there to this day.

That's Brock...

Phase 3: OMG, Mell’s Beauty Bar!

So, in the early '00s it was all the rage for bars to have weird gimmicks. There were laundromat bars, there were bars where you could get your eyebrows tweezed out of existence, and, at Mell’s, you could get your nails down or get a pedicure… right at the bar. It was before Covid; we had different sanitary standards. Mell’s was in the North Loop back when we called it the Warehouse District.

So, talk is cheap this round and soon Lindsay is making out with Tory. In interviews they both say they were really into it. Spoilers!

But Lindsay also wants to test drive Travis’s face. Alas, he explains that he does not kiss on the first date because he’s a momma’s boy and respects women. Tory points out that it’s okay to kiss if the woman wants to (also, props to him because he asked permission before he made his move). Lindsay is bummed because Travis has a lip ring, and she wants to know what it’s like to kiss a guy with a lip ring.

“I’m afraid of girls, I guess,” Travis admits as Lindsay and Tory respond with silence. Whoa. This feels a little too real. It’s okay, buddy. Travis breaks the awkwardness by explaining that he likes doing chores and is in touch with his feminine side. Right on, dude.

Lindsay calls the manicure guy over to their area. She wants to see if the guys are confident enough in their manliness to get one. Aw, I know lots of guys love manicures! Don’t be ashamed to treat yo’self!

Travis agrees to get pampered. Tory asks Travis if he’s getting turned on… because he is. He turns to Lindsay and starts making out with her again. 

In a sidewalk interview the manicurist says that Lindsay should pick Travis because he’s a “bad boy.” My dude, we are not watching the same show.

And it’s time for the elimidate. Who will it be? It’s Tory. It’s obviously Tory. Score another one for the Ashtons and Demi’s out there! 

“I guess I wasn’t as trashy as Tory,” Travis reflects. “I think it’s just because I wouldn’t kiss her. Her loss.” He walks off into the dark night.

Were you a contestant on ElimiDATE? Hit me up at jessica@racketmn.com; I would love to talk with you!

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