Alright everyone, ElimiDATE recaps are back, though I gotta warn you: Unless I unearth more videos on YouTube we’re nearing the end of my cache. So let’s be sure to enjoy the time we have with this shitshow.
Today’s puppetmaster is Jennifer. She works at a liquor store “in a small college town in Minnesota.” (I think a bunch of people in this episode are from Duluth, but they filmed the dates in downtown Minneapolis?)
Jen has some opinions on what dudes buy in the liquor store. “If he buys a six-pack of import he’s mellow. He likes to hang out with his friends,” she speculates. “If he buys wine? He’s taken and I get him out of the store as fast as I can.”
She’s also not into guys who drink liquor; she’s a beer gal.
Date #1: We’re at Rock Bottom Brewery in downtown Minneapolis!
First up is Travis, a UMD student. Travis loves being on the lake because “you get to meet new people and drink booze.” There’s a shot of him doing a keg stand. He explains that he likes to hit on girls by giving them a cheesy line. Get ready for his sample pick-up line: “If we were squirrels, would you let me bust a nut in your hole?” He shuts his eyes tightly and laughs at his own joke.
Next is Brady. He works for a “major soft-drink company.” He likes to do charcoal drawings. He talks about how much he loves dancing and they show a clip of him getting down alone in a park. He does what looks like a flamingo mating dance with aggressive finger guns.
Meanwhile, when Jonn’s not at work, he’s at home cracking his bullwhip. They show him shirtless popping balloons with his whip. “It amplifies my feelings and my moods,” he says. “I’m just the best that life can offer, I think.”
Finally there’s Timm. He’s a sheet-metal decker. Timm claims that people here think he’s from California, not Minneapolis. He’s got frosted tips and that Jersey Shore spiky hair that only existed in the early ‘00s.
Outside of Rock Bottom, Jen brags that she can lift a full keg of beer and drink you under the table. This is going to be fun!
Inside, the brewmaster sets the dudes to work sorting hops. Jonn instantly upsets the dudes, saying that he plans to crush the hops with his pecks. Faux pas!
“Jonn symbolizes everything that I do not like in a guy,” says Brady in an interview.
“Lifting weights is another form of masturbation,” says Travis. (Arnold Schwarzenegger would agree.)
Creative time! Jen asks them to make a beer label for their brew. Timm makes one he calls “Drop Dead (as in, to drink too much), Travis draws a weird smiley face and threatens to kill himself with a rope, bullwhip dude goes with “Get Cracking,” and Jonn goes with “Emotion Ale.” Eh.
Tastin’ time! Jonn goes first. Instead of sampling the beer he goes in for a kiss, then pours some beer down Jenn’s throat. It’s “smooth.” It’s cringe. It’s amazing. It’s hilarious.
“That’s just goony to me!” exclaims Brady in an interview.
Travis threatens to hang himself again if Jonn makes it through to the second round. Someone get this guy some help!
ElimiDATE time! Jonn is out. “You crossed the line way too early,” says Jenn.
“She has a taste for caviar and all you are are fish sticks, man,” Travis opines.
Date #2: We’re at the Depot ice rink in downtown, RIP.
None of the guys or Jen knows how to skate. Someone more experienced on the ice is doing backward crossovers–not a rookie move–so Travis tries and fails to teach her how to do ‘em.
Over on the side of the rink Jen starts asking questions. She asks the guys what age they lost their virginity at, which… whew, that is a dangerous question. I’ll just say they were all young. Then she acts an even more terrifying Q: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done to a woman? Yiiikes. One guy admits to having a one night stand and telling the woman to take a cab home. Travis gives a very earnest answer: Not trusting his partner. He explains that trust is a crucial part of a healthy relationship. That’s right, Travis!
ElimiDATE time! Brady is cut. He responds with a hilarious “Ahhh crap!” There’s a shot of him falling on the ice. “I was being myself, and it obviously wasn't enough,” he concludes. Don’t be so hard on yourself, buddy! He rides off the show on a Zamboni.
Date #3: Hell yeah, we’re at the Gay 90’s!
One of Jen’s BFFs is gay, and she is screening the guys for homophobia. Right on, Jen.
Inside upstairs Travis admits that he’s been hit on by dudes. Jen asks him how he handled it. He says he tells them he doesn’t “putt on the rough.”
Timm also says he’s been hit on by guys. Sometimes he flirts back, sometimes he plays it off. It’s NBD to him. Of course, since this is the early ‘00s, Travis and Jen say they question Timm’s sexuality because he flirts back rather than emphatically proclaiming his straightness. History lesson for the kids out there: In the ‘00s, the perceived sexual options were basically gay or straight, being queer meant you were just a gay goth, and bisexuality was limited to two drunk girls kissing in a club (but only if a guy asked them to).
At the show a queen named CeCe comes out and looks amazing. She’s giving us Whitney Houston in a slinky white sparkle dress. Hilariously, I don’t think they had the rights to her Super Bowl “Star Spangled Banner” so she’s lip-syncing to some obviously-not-Whitney cover.
After that, they go to the bar for shots. I have no idea what kind of shot they’re doing, but it’s milky and lime green and I think it’s a double? Jenn tells them to do the shots with no hands. (She cheats and uses a hand.) Timm fails at slamming the drink and spills about half of it back into the glass. They all laugh and it’s cute.
“Obviously I’m not a swallow type of guy I like to spit” he jokes in an interview. Good one!
“It lead me to think, ‘What else can he do with that mouth?’” says Jen in her interview.
They hit the dance floor. They do a bunch of goofy moves and it looks like they are legit laughing and having fun. The guys take off their shirts, as everyone is legally required to do on a queer dance floor.
ElimiDATE time! Jen compliments the guys on everything and she actually seems really happy and like she had a good time with them. Aw!
She picks Travis. We watch Timm try to hail a cab on Hennepin–everyone’s worst nightmare at bar close. Meanwhile Travis flashes what looks like an OG Nokia cellphone and insists on calling his mom to let her know he won. He tells her to smile because she’s on national television. They kiss, and we can only assume they are still together today.
