We’re less than three months out from the inaugural season of the Professional Women’s Hockey League (PWHL). We know the Minnesota-based franchise's roster will include Team USA mainstays like Kendall Coyne Schofield and Lee Stecklein. We know their future will almost certainly revolve around first-overall draft pick Taylor Heise, a 23-year-old superstar from the University of Minnesota.
But there’s a lot we don’t know about the team yet. For example, we don’t know their name... if we’re lucky. Reports emerged Thursday that the PWHL filed a trademark application for the name “Minnesota Superior.”
Predictable! Played-out! Challenging to Google, probably! Yuck!
Fortunately, a trademark application doesn’t necessarily confirm the name, which means it’s not too late to give Minnesota’s team a name that is good and kicks ass instead. Having a cool name is important to me, personally—and a good one is almost certain to help the team play better during its inaugural season—so I'm generously waiving my consulting fee to offer the PWHL the following suggestions.
- Minnesota Dome Dogs: Rolls off the tongue and pays tribute to Minnesota sports history. Plus, everyone likes dogs. Make a dachshund named "Dollar the Dome Dog" the mascot and watch her debut at No. 1 in the Minnesota Mascot power rankings.
- Minnesota Berserkers: Cater to Vikings fans with a badass spin. Berserkers were Norse warriors who (probably) got high as shit and threw on their signature “bear-shirts” before battle. I’d be terrified to go up against a team of Vikings tripping out in bearskins.
- Lake Superior Seals: We can easily name-drop the best Great Lake without lazily resorting to calling the team “The Superior.” The Seals refer to Vivian and Feisty, the Duluth Zoo seals who escaped captivity in the city’s 2012 flood. They’ll serve as a constant reminder that we have nothing to lose but our chains.
- Lake Chipotle Crappies: If we’d rather name the team after a more local body of water, Hennepin Ave’s Lake Chipotle taps into a local, if divisive, meme. And if we’re already doing memes, you might as well double down and call the team “The Crappies.”
- Minneapolis or St. Paul Snowplows: Not only are Snowplows unstoppable on ice, this is a name concept that works for the people. The team’s locale can change annually based on which Twin City’s citizenry is most satisfied with their plowing services. It’s like a municipal Paul Bunyan’s Axe. If your city wants this honor, they’ll have to work for it.
- Paisley Park Princesses: Come on, it’s Minnesota. Are we really going to have zero sports teams that reference Prince in their name? The purple color scheme and alliteration makes this one a contender.
- Minnesota Halloween Blizzards (Established 1991+32): We do not get enough opportunities to discuss the Halloween Blizzard of 1991. [Citation needed.] If you aren’t aware: there was a blizzard that happened on Halloween in 1991. Using this name gives something Minnesotans have long pined for: A reason to talk about the 1991 Halloween Blizzard.
- Minnesota Further North Stars: Speaking of 1991, that’s when the Minnesota North Stars, our hockey exes in Dallas, made their only Stanley Cup Final appearance. What better way to let them know we’re truly over it than by debuting “The Further North Stars”? We’re gonna make Dallas so jealous.
