Another week, another episode of ElimiDATE from the ‘00s, y’all!
This is another beer-free episode, but I will allow it since we’re at the Minnesota State Fair and it’s going to be amazing.
Our puppetmaster this episode is Erin. She’s a Miss Hawaiian Tropics finalist. Honestly, she seems cool. You can tell she’s relaxed and having fun this episode, which I imagine is 90% of the battle. Apparently she is trying to start a magazine called 30 Below. I can’t find any more info via Google, but I hope she published it... 20-something years ago.
OMGGGGGG. We’re at the Mighty Midway
Time to meet the dudes!
First up is Jonathan. He’s a junior at the University of St. Thomas. He’s going to (half-heartedly) be our rich kid archetype this episode. He likes riding horses because “you can really feel the power between your legs. You can really feel the animal moving.” TMI, my dude, TMI. “When a horse gets temperamental with me, it’s just like a girl: You gotta take charge, you gotta settle them down.” Yes, women are just like horses in that when we get scared we might panic and kill you with our iron-clad feet.
Next we meet Conor. He’s a fitness model. He shares his body fat index number with us. I have no idea if it’s good or not. “I wanna impress this girl,” he says. “Maybe with a little charm, wit, intelligent conversation, and definitely my butt.” Sounds good!
Justin says he’s a “Jack of all trades.” Sounds like a guy working the gig economy. There’s a shot of him diving into a swimming pool from a roof diving (a classic ‘00s move) followed by a shot of him slamming a Grain Belt and crowd surfing at a bar. Looks like a good time. “I like the idea of totally being with somebody and them totally being with me,” he says. Right on, Jack.
Finally there’s Will. He’s a sports trainer who works with kids and teens. Adorable! “Will’s got some Kmart special 2-4-1 guns,” Conor concedes. “He got me on that one.” You both have guns, Conor!
They make their way to bumper cars. Jonathan explains that he is from NY. He seems unimpressed with Minnesota and the guys pick up on that. Meanwhile, Justin brags that his pants are still wet from last night because he jumped in a pool. Point taken, Jonathan.
They zoom around on their cars. Erin seems playfully annoyed that the guys are bumping up on her.
“I like bumping the girls from behind,” says Justin in an interview. The second those words come out of his mouth he kind of winces and turns away in disgust. That’s right Justin, you know what you did.
After the ride, Erin asks what the guys do to get a girl. One guy cooks (nice!), another gives massages (nice!), and the St. Tommy brags that he has a boat. Dude, what? A college kid from New York has a boat in Minnesota? I want more details, but we get none.
Next up is Whack-a-Mole. “How hard do you whack?” Erin asks the dudes.
Conor wins. He goes all Conan the Barbarian and shouts that he’s the strongest man alive. The guys make fun of his pit stains. Hey, there’s no shame in sweating at the fair during the hottest days of the summer. I’m glad your body is functioning appropriately, Conor.
Time for the elimiDATE! Tommy Boy gets cut. He’s too quiet. Byeeee!
Sheep Time!
The gang heads to the Sheep Barn. They’re going to sheer a gentle creature named Red. Erin warns the camera crew that she is going to be looking at their hands because “you have to think eventually they might be on you.” True that.
Will says he is nervous because he does not want to damage the sheep. He’s squatting next to Red and has it in a hug hold that is legit adorable.
The guys make sex jokes about Will and Red, because of course. Erin is feeling it though. “Will impressed me with the sheep,” she says. “He was real comfortable with it and actually got down on the sheep's level.”
Alas, Conor wins. He has the biggest wool pile. Next up, they meet a cow. They are going to milk it. “You cannot leave the State Fair without milking a cow,” she says. Lady, I assure you I have done so many times.
During his turn Justin tries to drink the milk, and he grosses himself out. “You definitely do not impress a girl by drinking milk straight from the udder the first time you meet her,” Conor sagely states in an interview.
ElimiDATE time! Will is out. Erin says he’s too nice. Damn. Stay nice Will! Keep hugging those sheep!
“Anything Gross on a Stick”
“In round three, I want the guy to eat,” says Erin. “I want a guy with a strong stomach.” Sexy!
The camera pans over a shot of delicious fried goodness. “I gave them the typical food at the Fair, which is pretty much anything gross on a stick,” she says. “Scotch eggs, alligator, deep fried candy bars, fried pickles, corn dogs.”
After they eat, they go on a ride called “The Ejection Seat.” It’s the one where they put two people in a seat then slingshot them upwards. My personal review: It’s a banger; do it if the mood strikes you and you have the budget. (I think it costs $10-$20.)
While prepping for the ride, the guys talk about their fears. Justin is afraid of heights. Conor is afraid of spiders (“They just don’t do it for me”). When Conor rides with Erin he shrieks enthusiastically, which Erin and Justin aren’t into. When Justin rides with Erin he cracks jokes. Both valid fear responses!
Finally, after all that meaty, vinegary fried food and raw milk straight from the cow’s udder, Erin asks for a kissing test. Justin uses tongue (“It sounded like a dishwasher,” claims Conor) while Conor opts for groping. Hmm. Erin doesn’t seem too into either one.
But she’s gotta elimiDATE one, and it’s Justin. He didn’t woo her enough. Conor the Body wins it all!
Were you a contestant on ElimiDATE? Hit me up at jessica@racketmn.com; I would love to talk with you!
