THURSDAY
You thought you were out of the game. You thought you’d retired. My monster chasing days are in the past, you said, even going as far as to swear on a Bible. And OK yes it was the Cryptozoologist Bible, but still, it felt official, definitive, final. You were done. You’d get a new hobby: leathercrafting or model trains or some bespoke tinkery shit like that, and you’d be content. The only monsters I wanna hunt now are these monster deals on polyvinyl laminate flooring. That's a real thing you whispered to yourself. You got a Home Depot credit card and you actually said those words. And then you piled boxes of planks into the shopping cart for a nice red oak look in the basement.
But the basement ain’t finished.
And then it’s Thursday morning and an email pops into your inbox, forwarded to you from one of the old Midwest Monster message boards you promised yourself that you’d unsubscribe from. “The Legend of Pepie tells of a large, serpentlike creature, a legendary lurker that lives in the shadowy depths of Lake Pepin by Lake City, MN,” the website for the tourism board says. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up like a battalion of marines, and just like that, you’re back in. HIC SVNT DRACONES: here are dragons. Model trains are boring.
Around lunchtime, your wife texts you about going away somewhere for the weekend, somewhere to watch the leaves change. You love leaves. It’s been unseasonably warm this autumn, so even though it’s mid-October, the trees still haven’t done their big fiery deathbloom to full effect yet. You wanna see those goldfish oranges and chimney reds? You still can this weekend. The Lake City area has lots of trees. Whole forests of them. It’s one of the best places in the state to watch the leaves change. The Lake City area also has Pepie… but you’d mostly be going for the foliage, you tell yourself. We could watch the leaves change on The Great River Road, you text back. We could drive along the bluffs.
She texts back a thumbs up.
And so you begin to plan.
FRIDAY
You leave work early to avoid traffic, bomb out of the Twin Cities at 4:30 p.m., taking Highway 10 South to 61 towards Red Wing. As you drive, your wife offhandedly shows you a photo of Pepie that she pulled up while reading about the area. “There’s a $50,000 reward if you can provide proof that he exists!” she says and laughs. You nod and raise your eyebrows, feigning innocence. “Tell me more.”
An hour later, you’re having a beer and a hot dog at The Barrel House in Red Wing, “The first established bar in Minnesota.” Red Wing hugs the northern edge of the Driftless Area, the unglaciated geological zone which spreads across parts of southern Minnesota and Wisconsin, as well as northern Iowa and Illinois. For this trip you’ll be exploring what’s sometimes lovingly referred to as “Bluff Country,” the region around the Mississippi known for high cliffs, steep overlooks, and the Great River Road on the Wisconsin side.
Red Wing is also the headwaters, where the river widens out to the point of becoming Lake Pepin, spanning 40 square miles. The waterbody is in a valley carved by the outflow of an enormous glacial lake; it was formed around the end of the last Ice Age. These circumstances all make Lake Pepin perfect for housing a pod of plesiosaurs, which could have migrated down to hunt and then set up shop only to become trapped. This is similar to theories about how the Loch Ness Monster could have wound up cut off from the ocean.
According to an entry from the Minnesota Historical Society's Book of Days Almanac, the first newspaper logs of Pepie date back to 1871, when witnesses reported spotting a creature in the lake "larger than a rhinoceros and smaller than an elephant." But even before that, the native Dakota people were known to switch out their birchbark canoes for a larger, more sturdy dugout variety when entering Lake Pepin because of “large creatures,” or so the Tourism Board would have you think. You rant about all of these theories to your wife while she chomps her Barrel House hot dog and nods indulgently. Perhaps “at your wife” would be more accurate. She orders another beer and you smile sheepishly, a little embarrassed. She loves your quirks, or she loves you in spite of them. Nonetheless, you decide to hang up the Pepie talk for the evening.
Friday night you stay in Bay City, Wisconsin, at a delightful tiny home on the Great River Road, complete with goats, chickens, a pool, and a hot tub. After checking in, the two of you head out to the boat- and biker-friendly Harbor Bar in Hager City, a literal island bar and restaurant owned by a friendly Jamaican family that comes complete with a pet parrot. Sup on a dinner of jerk chicken, Red Stripe and Ellsworth cheese curds while watching pleasure boats hop around to the different islands which pepper this part of the river. End the night with a Dirty Banana Daiquiri before heading back to get some sleep.
SATURDAY
You wake up with Pepie on the brain, but to find him you’ll need sustenance. You grab pastries and java at Sunrise Coffee on 35 in Bay City. Watch the morning light on the river. The shop is owned by a grandfather and staffed by an army of granddaughters and other teenagers. While they make your coffee, the grandpa/owner tells you about how the surrounding towns plan to dredge the river to build more islands for tourism and make room for bigger boats, dubbing the area “The South Shore.” A train screams past, packed double high to the gills with J.B. Hunt containers, and while the teens make your dog a pup cup of whip cream and mini milkbones, you broach the subject of Pepie. No one has any idea what you’re talking about. However, when your wife asks about scenic drives and vistas, they’re all suggestions for bluffs and outlooks and warnings about rattlesnakes and bears. You didn’t know that rattlesnakes existed this far north, but then again they didn’t know about the existence of Pepie. Everyone is still learning. We are all works in progress.
Spend the morning driving through Maidenrock and looking at the trees, before popping off of the highway to quickly visit Laura Ingalls Wilder’s birthplace: the little house wayside cabin. Loop back onto 35 to Stockholm, WI, a tiny village founded by Swedish immigrants in the 1850s, and possibly the most winsome and charming place on Earth. Check out the antique post office before heading over to the Stockholm Pie and General Store for sandwiches. Order the smoked salmon smorga on rye, then the famous lemon pie for dessert. It’s incredible, don’t share. After lunch, drive to Buena Vista Park in Alma for a quick hike and an absolutely gorgeous view that may provide an aerial look at Pepie. It doesn’t, but you’re not discouraged.
During the 45-minute drive between Alma and Fountain City, you know you should be thinking about Pepie, but it’s hard because you have an absolutely outstanding view of the bluffs on this stretch of the Great River Road. In Fountain City, check into your lodgings at The Dragonfly Loft. If you’re feeling ambitious you can explore the town a bit and investigate the historic churches. If not, just settle in for an afternoon nap. Yes, you should be continuing your fieldwork, but the last three people you asked about Pepie stared back at you with an expression which intimated that they were emotionally crossing to the other side of the street. And also you’re hungry. Pepie isn’t going anywhere.
Your best options for dinner are three restaurants, each over 100 years old. There’s The Monarch Public House—an Irish tavern serving up pub fare like shepherds pie and fish and chips—and The Golden Frog, a divey bar with a supper room in back, plating up local favorites like frog legs since 1878. Looking for something a bit more upscale? Try the Hillside Fishhouse, a locally famous Wisconsin supper club first opened in 1855. Once you’ve eaten your fill, head back to the Dragonfly Loft and plop down in the hot tub. (You only stay in tiny homes with hot tubs now.)
SUNDAY
Today’s the day for Pepie. You’re sure of it. You’ll head into Lake City after breakfast for a thorough search, but first you need to fuel up. On your way out of Fountain City, stop at The Coffee Camper for wake-up bevs before driving to Trempeleau to catch the morning views of the river. Check out Perrot State Park or stroll the river area near Dam #6 for a fascinating history of the Mississippi barge lock and dam system.
Head over the bridge back into Viking territory, to the picturesque little college town of Winona, MN, and get donuts at the celebrated Bloedow Bakery. After that it’s an hour stretch north up Bob Dylan’s infamous Highway 61. Although the Great River Road’s Wisconsin views might get more attention, the Minnesota side is comparably scenic for autumnal foliage. Plan to stop and check out a few bluffs and overlooks, such that by the time you get to Lake City to finally do your Pepie search, you’re pretty worn out. Parking the car and walking down to the Marina, there’s no sign of Pepie. The only sign you can see is one talking about how Lake City is the birthplace of waterskiing. It’s the birthplace of Pepie the lake monster too, but it seems like you might be the only one interested in that.
And that’s OK. Sit on a park bench next to the water. The lake is a sheet of polished glass lit up with the reflection of the leaves in the afternoon sun. It’s a scene to make the gravity of ordinary things feel striking. How long have people been looking out at these same trees? Watching these leaves fall next to this same lake? You feel insignificant and at peace; to be here in this place on this weekend, in this moment of transition between warm and cold. You haven’t found Pepie, to tell the truth you haven’t even really looked, but that’s OK. The preamble is what you’ve always been more excited by anyway: the field work, the mystery.
If you found Pepie, then the journey would be over, and you don’t want that, not really. Pepie is still out there. And because of that you’ll need more recon, more exploration. And to do that you’ll probably have to come back to these Driftless Bluffs for a few more visits, a few more weekends, to really get a feel for the place.
