We somehow made it to 2025! Along with the new year come new questions and uncertainty. Is Whittier in Uptown? Is Caribou Coffee brat? Would a loving god let us suffer like this? As the resident prophet/genius in these parts, I'm here to offer a glimpse at what we have to look forward to this year, just as I did last year. (I am not responsible for any of these that come true xoxo.)
A suspiciously Chalamet-looking infant is born in Dinkytown in late summer
Approximately 40 weeks after the press junket for A Complete Unknown, a young lady gives birth to an infant with floppy dark hair, a shockingly chiseled jawline, and… is that baby giving me a blue steel?
Goldy Gopher arrested for DUI
Driving under the influence isn’t just for sheriffs. The lovable mascot was seen pounding Jager Bombs at Sally’s before getting behind the wheel of his Cybertruck. The U’s sparkling, sober image never recovers.
Chloe the Como Zoo Sloth has her Moo Deng moment
Move over tiny hippos, there’s a new hot animal in town. Social media users become moderately obsessed with the free zoo’s resident nap queen. Unfortunately, her 15 minutes are up quickly after the internet realizes our girl sleeps like 20 hours a day. Don’t worry Chloe, I still love you. Give us nothing!
Sweet Martha’s starts selling weed-infused cookies
Girlboss! Sweet Martha’s tightens their grip on our wallets and hearts by cutting out the middleman and just making the cookies themselves edibles. A spokesperson told us to prepare for longer lines than usual, but for some reason, we’re actually like… really chill about it.
Cryptid discovered in the skyway
What could that be lurking in the deserted halls of the former Marshall Field’s/Dayton’s/Macy’s downtown? Is it Bigfoot, Mothman, or simply a lost soul with no idea how to maneuver the massive expanse of above ground tunnels? Guess we’ll never find out, because the doors are always fucking locked.
Tim Walz starts a podcast
Eager to capitalize on the fact that more than five million people now know who he is, the former VP candidate starts Words with Walz. The podcast focuses on Midwest-specific topics such as when to take your Christmas lights down, waving people through at four-way stops, and what not to do when the police act without impunity in a major city.
The defunded police horses sue the city of Minneapolis
Emboldened by this recent display of equine inequality, the now-unemployed police horses decide to take action. At a press conference flanked by their attorney and local city councilwoman/police-horse cheerleader LaTrisha Vetaw, the plaintiffs had this to say, “Neigh.”
Jacob Frey moves out of Minneapolis.
Please god, if you do one thing for me this year…
The First Ave bathroom ghost writes a tell-all
Uh oh. The ghost who haunts the women’s room at First Avenue has decided to spill 50 years of tea. Noting that she can’t be bound by an NDA because she’s been dead since the 1940s, the spirit affectionately known as Flippy talks her shit. And god, if she hasn’t seen some.
Report: The Charlie Brown statues move at night
Oh my god, they’re fucking fast too. RUN.
Naz Reid gets JC Stroebel tattoo
Inspired by the love shown by the local artist and many adoring fans, the sixth man of the year gets the man himself tattooed on his arm
Alex Rodriguez and Marc Lore attempt hostile takeover of Star Tribune.
Desperate for SOMETHING to push their purchase of the Timberwolves through, Rodriguez and Lore storm the Capella Tower and attempt to Kendall Roy their way into the team. It doesn’t work—Glen Taylor is far away in Mankato.
Kirk Cousins leaves Kevin O’Connell drunk voicemail begging to come back.
Sobbing in his car in a Kohl’s parking lot, the benched Falcon calls up his former coach. he call is not returned.
Target begins locking entrance to stores behind glass
Bound and determined to keep those pesky poors shoplifters out, the locally based retail megacorp begins encasing its entire stores in glass. Bad news for unsuspecting bystanders in red shirts.
Xcel Energy Center naming rights sold to United Healthgroup
Eager to begin a new chapter and put all of that behind them, the health insurance titan gets into the arena business. What better way to spend their $23 billion in profits? At least 20 people receive lifetime bans for sporting pro-Luigi Mangione apparel.
The Pohlads sell the Twins to Glenn Taylor
The Pohlads have heard you, loud and clear. Stating that they want to keep the team local and hand the reins over to someone who really knows how to be an owner, they sign the deed over to one Glenn Taylor. Alex Rodriguez and Marc Lore make an immediate offer on the team.
Life Time Fitness announces $75 “Fuck You” fee
After CEO Bahram Akradi announced in May that membership numbers were “overperforming” and that rates had jumped nearly 13% from 2023, the Chanhassen-based luxury gym decides to start quietly slipping an extra $75 fee into monthly dues. When gymgoers call Life Time to ask what the charge is for, a representative barks “because FUCK YOU,” and hangs up. The move has no effect on memberships, because what are moms from Shoreview going to do, maybe see a poor person while during pilates? Hell no.
Donald Trump announces plans to erect a Rainforest Cafe in the Boundary Waters
We knew it was coming. Our state’s most beautiful, vast natural resource has long been a target of attempts to re-establish mining in the upper part of the state. As part of Project 2025, the president decides to open a Rainforest Cafe location in the area to keep miners’ morale high. No word yet on whether or not the $25 Landry’s Select Club membership fee will be considered a deductible business expense.
Crunch requests a transfer
Woof, what a difference a year makes. Citing a less than stellar season and beef with Anthony Edwards, and still-reeling from his broken engagement to Gries, our once-loyal mascot requests to be moved to greener pastures. You hate to see it.
Mike Lindell seen playing bucket drums outside a Twins game
Oh how the mighty fall. Following a slew of legal woes including, but not limited to, being dropped by his attorneys, being evicted from his warehouse, at least five lawsuits, and a daily garnishment of his commercial line of credit, the former pillow salesman/crusader for the democratic process has fallen on hard times. To fund his quest to prove that Donald Trump has truly been the president for the last five four years, Lindell gets in touch with his musical side and starts bucket drumming outside of Twins games for cash. At least he has something comfy to sit on.
CC Club sells and rebrands as DD Club
The people yearn for the Block E Hooters. Following its sale to a new owner, a group of Kappa Sigma brothers, the Lyndale dive gets a new vibe. With a rotating menu of local IPAs (sponsored by Surly Brewing), passable chicken wings, a TouchTunes machine loaded with Creed, and busty waitresses dressed like slutty Paul Bunyans, it immediately dethrones Top Golf and Sneaky Pete’s as the Twin Cities’ top bachelor party destination.
Kris Lindahl elected Mayor
Following a write-in meme campaign, the real estate magnate with the largest wingspan around becomes the 49th mayor of Minneapolis. The state patrol reports skyrocketing numbers of fender-benders as local motorists crane to read new city policies off of various billboards.
Alpha News wins Pulitzer Prize
Following the massive success of The Fall of Minneapolis, former WCCO reporter Liz Collin and her former cop husband arrive at Columbia University to accept their award for preserving the art of journalism. This publication’s invite to the ceremony must’ve gotten lost in the mail. 🙂
AJ & Big Justice are announced as state fair headliners
Here comes the BOOM! In a plea to stay relevant and get Gen Z to buy Grandstand tickets, the State Fair books the father/son Costco duo with a “surprise guest.” (Spoiler: It’s the Rizzler.) The event is cancelled due to low ticket sales and Twiggy the Waterskiing Squirrel is brought in as a last minute replacement.
The Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl!
Lol. LMAO, even.
