Oh, the possibility that arrives with the new year. Anything can happen! And in Minnesota that might, just maybe, include some of the stuff below.
These are all parody, of course—wild, factless speculation. But if any of what follows happens to come true? Not our problem, sorry.
Tommy Stinson and Scott Seekins fist fight at Art-A-Whirl
A crowd gathers after incoherent yelling about who had the cooler jacket breaks out. The majority of onlookers are on Stinson’s side, and after a devastating loss, Seekins returns to his spawn point.
Grimes announces her engagement to Crunch
After continuing her streak of perplexing and eyebrow-raising behavior, Grimes announces via Twitter that she is engaged to Crunch, the Timberwolves mascot. Does that make Grimes—who made waves with a pre-fame 2009 Minneapolis boating mishap—a furry? Is Crunch better in the sack than Elon Musk? She bares all in an interview with Steve Marsh at Mpls. St. Paul Mag.
Bob Dylan spotted asking to have toothpaste unlocked at downtown Minneapolis Target
The famously private music legend appears mortified—or is that just his face?—as he repeatedly waves his hand under the sensor, waiting for someone who doesn’t get paid enough for this shit to release a tube of Sensodyne.
Mary Tyler Moore statue gets a BBL
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard for women! Years later, the booty bronze will remain un-tarnished due to the public’s ongoing obsession with putting their grubby little hands on Moore’s caked-up form.
Twins announce (and quickly apologize for) “Homo Hanky” Pride promotion
In June, the Twins announce a twist on the classic Homer Hanky to celebrate Pride Month. The response is half outrage and half people clamoring to get their hands on one.
Will Stancil and Azaelia Banks beef
Our local internet anti-hero has done it again, folks! Like Icarus before him, Will talked shit too close to the sun and pissed off the queen of internet beef. Highlights of her takedown are spread far and wide; Stancil, relentlessly tormented by Gay Twitter for the first time, deactivates his account (for 24 hours) before serial tweeting once again about the fabulous economy leftists refuse to acknowledge.
Har Mar Superstar writes a cookbook
Desperate to reclaim the limelight he lost due to his own allegedly atrocious behavior (and to make it more difficult to Google the allegations against him), Sean Tillman rebrands as “celebrity” chef Char Bar Souperstar. His cookbook, The Joy of Cooking to Ironic R&B, is not a hit.
Trampled By Turtles open reptile sanctuary
After decades of success, the band decides to give back to their moniker, where there’s a turtle named after every member of the band. No one is trampled because turtles are actually too small for that.
Wrecktangle announces a new venture called Sircle, “introducing” round pizzas
After the success of the Wrestaurant at the Palace, the pizza connoisseurs announce a mind-blowing “new” concept coming to downtown St. Paul.
Ex-Amy Klobuchar intern breaks silence and NDA
“It was torture. One day, she took away our desk chairs and told us we could only sit on a bed of nails,” said the former intern, who refused to show his name or face due to fear of being “hunted for sport.”
Nickelodeon Universe is sold to the Prince estate
Chasing the magic of Camp Snoopy, the theme park inside MOA tries a new approach. Parents immediately complain about the adult content of the songs, and within no time the park is back to more wholesome associations, like Dan Schneider.
93X suddenly becomes a Christian station
With no advance warning, the hard-rock station suddenly begins playing nothing but worship music. Their new tagline? “Headbanging and the Holy Spirit.”
Jesse Ventura kicks off mayoral campaign
The Body is BACK, baby! And he’s ready to bodyslam the current mayor. Physically or metaphorically, we’re not sure.
The Northeast turkeys announce plans to unionize
Inspired by a rise in pro-worker movements in the local news lately, the urban wild turkey population started their own org. When asked what their demands were, the turkeys simply gobble and stare blankly.
Dan Wilson nominated for a Grammy for co-writing Britney Spears’s new album
Did you know the Semisonic guy has written songs for like, fucking everyone? Seriously, go look at that Wikipedia for yourself. The Grammy committee adopts a local angle and recognizes the joint effort between the pop queen, the Minnesotan, and Charli XCX.
The Mall of America is repossessed
The megamall, which went several months without paying its mortgage in 2020, is seen being dragged away by a series of tow trucks due to further nonpayment. The old Sears location is left behind.
Stalled "Fries with Frey" series inexplicably goes viral
The Minneapolis mayor leaves town to become the next Hot Ones-style YouTube star. Nobody minds.
The city pays out a record $2.5 million dollars in settlements to MPD officers who suffered PTSD after being scared by force-wide viewing party for Saltburn
Minneapolis Police Chief Brian O’Hara announces many of his officers have been traumatized by a “lapse in judgment” that led to a team-building Saltburn screening. Several officers sue, citing ongoing psychosexual nightmares involving Barry Keoghan.
Caribou Coffee starts serving alcohol; profits triple
Moms and coworkers statewide suddenly seem a lot more chipper.
First BWI of the year happens on Lake Chipotle
Ha ha, no, the attempts to repair this parking lot lake didn’t stick, and after a warmer than average winter, the first drunk dipshit to get caught on the water is on Lake Chipotle.
