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Who Would Win in a Fight, Dumbledore or Father Stu?

Your weekly guide to every movie you can see in theaters this week.

Warner Bros./Sony Pictures Entertainment|

Make them fight and then make them kiss.

Thanks to our unimaginative film industry, we may never know the answer to my question. And that's a shame for all of us.

Special Screenings This Week

Thursday, April 14

Rope (1948)
The Heights 
The gayest Hitchcock. $12. 7:30 p.m. More info here.

Aliens (1986)
Parkway Theater
In space, no one can hear you blast the shit out of a bunch of xenomorphs. With pre-film music from Robot Slide. $9/$12. 7 p.m. music; 8 p.m. screening. More info here.

Friday, April 15

Torn Curtain (1966)
The Paul Newmaniest Hitchcock. $8. 7 p.m. Saturday 9:30 p.m. Sunday 3 p.m. More info here.

The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956)
It’s me. I’m the man. I know too much. $8. 9:30 p.m. Saturday 7 p.m. Sunday 5:30 p.m. More info here.

Saturday, April 16

Midsommar (2019)
Alamo Drafthouse
A special brunch screening, for the ladies. $10. 1 p.m. More info here.

Sunday, April 17

Jesus Christ Superstar (1971)
Alamo Drafthouse
Why go to church on Easter Sunday when you can go to the movies? $10.1 p.m. More info here.

Rear Window (1954)
Emagine Willow Creek
I can’t sum it up any better than this tweet does. Also Wednesday. $7.95 12 & 6 p.m. More info here.

The King of Marvin Gardens (1972)
At a party a couple years ago, I was startled to learn how many people did not know that the Monopoly properties were named for Atlantic City streets. I thought that was common knowledge. Totally upended my worldview. $8. 8 p.m. Also Monday-Tuesday 7 & 9:15 p.m. More info here.

Monday, April 18

Monty Python’s The Life of Brian (1979)
Alamo Drafthouse
Get all that excess Christianity from Easter out of your system. $10. 6:25 p.m. More info here.

The Toxic Avenger (1984)
Emagine Willow Creek
They don’t make superhero movies like this anymore. $6. 7:30 p.m. More info here.

The Big Lebowski (1998)
The Heights

According to IMDB, “the Dude says ‘man’ 147 times in the movie, nearly one and a half times a minute.” I cannot and will not independently verify this. $12. 7:30 p.m. More info here.

Tuesday, April 19

Mandy (2019)
Alamo Drafthouse
The unbearable weight of massive amounts of gore. $10. 6:25 p.m. More info here.

We’re All Going to the World’s Fair (2022)
Alamo Drafthouse
What is a sinister online RPG doing to this troubled teen? I don’t know—I haven’t seen the movie either. 8:30 p.m. $13.50. More info here.

Wednesday, April 20

The Witch (2015)
Alamo Drafthouse
The hot chess girl talks to a goat. $10. 8:30 p.m. More info here.

The Incredible Bulk (2021)
Q: Why isn’t the Hulk purple? A: Because then he’d be the Bulk. As he is in this excessively green-screened parody. $5. 7 p.m. More info here.

Opening This Week

This un-biopic isn’t about Celine Dion, but it’s not not about her either.

It’s a pun.

Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore
We know he’s gay and we know he dies. How many more secrets could this dude have?

Father Stu
More like Father StuPID.

Paris, 13th District
Buncha sexy young Frenches hook up with each other.

Ongoing in Local Theaters

The Batman (read our review here)
Everything Everywhere All at Once
K.G.F.: Chapter 2
The Lost City (read our review here)
Morbius (read our review here)
Sing 2
Sonic the Hedgehog 2
Spider-Man: No Way Home
X (read our review here)

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