Who Would Win in a Fight, Dumbledore or Father Stu?

Your weekly guide to every movie you can see in theaters this week.

By Keith Harris

3:38 PM CDT on April 14, 2022

Make them fight and then make them kiss.

|Warner Bros./Sony Pictures Entertainment

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Thanks to our unimaginative film industry, we may never know the answer to my question. And that's a shame for all of us.

Special Screenings This Week

Thursday, April 14

Rope (1948)
The Heights
The gayest Hitchcock. $12. 7:30 p.m. More info here.

Aliens (1986)
Parkway Theater
In space, no one can hear you blast the shit out of a bunch of xenomorphs. With pre-film music from Robot Slide. $9/$12. 7 p.m. music; 8 p.m. screening. More info here.

Friday, April 15

Torn Curtain (1966)
Trylon
The Paul Newmaniest Hitchcock. $8. 7 p.m. Saturday 9:30 p.m. Sunday 3 p.m. More info here.

The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956)
Trylon
It’s me. I’m the man. I know too much. $8. 9:30 p.m. Saturday 7 p.m. Sunday 5:30 p.m. More info here.

Saturday, April 16

Midsommar (2019)
Alamo Drafthouse
A special brunch screening, for the ladies. $10. 1 p.m. More info here.

Sunday, April 17

Jesus Christ Superstar (1971)
Alamo Drafthouse
Why go to church on Easter Sunday when you can go to the movies? $10.1 p.m. More info here.

Rear Window (1954)
Emagine Willow Creek
I can’t sum it up any better than this tweet does. Also Wednesday. $7.95 12 & 6 p.m. More info here.

The King of Marvin Gardens (1972)
Trylon
At a party a couple years ago, I was startled to learn how many people did not know that the Monopoly properties were named for Atlantic City streets. I thought that was common knowledge. Totally upended my worldview. $8. 8 p.m. Also Monday-Tuesday 7 & 9:15 p.m. More info here.

Monday, April 18

Monty Python’s The Life of Brian (1979)
Alamo Drafthouse
Get all that excess Christianity from Easter out of your system. $10. 6:25 p.m. More info here.

The Toxic Avenger (1984)
Emagine Willow Creek
They don’t make superhero movies like this anymore. $6. 7:30 p.m. More info here.

The Big Lebowski (1998)
The Heights
According to IMDB, “the Dude says ‘man’ 147 times in the movie, nearly one and a half times a minute.” I cannot and will not independently verify this. $12. 7:30 p.m. More info here.

Tuesday, April 19

Mandy (2019)
Alamo Drafthouse
The unbearable weight of massive amounts of gore. $10. 6:25 p.m. More info here.

We’re All Going to the World’s Fair (2022)
Alamo Drafthouse
What is a sinister online RPG doing to this troubled teen? I don’t know—I haven’t seen the movie either. 8:30 p.m. $13.50. More info here.

Wednesday, April 20

The Witch (2015)
Alamo Drafthouse
The hot chess girl talks to a goat. $10. 8:30 p.m. More info here.

The Incredible Bulk (2021)
Trylon
Q: Why isn’t the Hulk purple? A: Because then he’d be the Bulk. As he is in this excessively green-screened parody. $5. 7 p.m. More info here.