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Every Minnesota News Outlet’s Description of Today’s Cold, Ranked

Some tried harder than others.

The 4 a.m. temp reading from the Twin Cities.
National Weather Service Twin Cities

Good morning. It’s cold outside.

Nobody is more privy to that fact more than Minnesota news outlets, many of whom dug deep to dazzle readers with evocative headlines that drove home the blast of bone-chilling weather currently gripping the state. Others… well, they at least sorta tried.

In the interest of satisfying your need for pedantic local rankings, here’s how everyone you’d expect a weather report from fared at describing the icebox we call home, from worst to best.

Pioneer Press: N/A

Come on, guys.

Mankato Free Press: N/A

While the Free Press lacked a weather headline, it does provide readers “under 40” with a homepage section billed as “The Millennial Minute.” Today’s stories include a woman who wrote poetry in the hospital, a city council vote OK’ing a new culture and rec dept., and a teacher who sews winter hats for students. Huh…

KSTP: Today also marks the coldest temperature recorded this winter so far in the Twi Cities

Major deductions for misspelling “Twin Cities.” Get used to this specific angle; it appears twice more.

Duluth News Tribune: Warmer Saturday with a chance of snow

OK, but how cold is it now? Somebody didn’t get the assignment.

MPR: Big warmup Saturday, but it won’t last long

Again, warm cart before the damn freezing horse.

Rochester Post Bulletin: Cold today, Sunday, and Monday

It’s your job to tell me how cold. Also a weird glossing over of the fact it warms up considerably on Saturday. Strange, disjointed stuff.

The Forum of Fargo-Moorhead: Tracking frigid temps and blowing snow

“Frigid,” as you’ll see, is the layup adjective of the day, though “tracking” and “blowing” are active and engaging choices.

Axios Twin Cities: It’s going to be another frigid one, with a high of 8

Conversational and specific. Not bad, though it does lack the “What it means:” and “Details:” style of formatting breakdowns we’ve come to expect from the Axios.

WCCO: Coldest Morning Of The Season (So Far)

This is what KSTP strived for before a typo got in the way. The recent historical context is appreciated.

KARE 11: WEATHER: Coldest morning of the season… so far

Why does KARE outrank ‘CCO? Because the ellipses is so intriguing; it’s as if Raymond Chandler himself authored this one.

Star Tribune: Brutal cold Friday but warmup in store for Saturday

“Brutal” is nice and punchy. A warmup in store, you say? We’re listening! Approaches the daily newspaper ideal for weather headlines.

St. Cloud Times: Dangerous wind chills close schools, move learning online in St. Cloud on Friday

We’ve heard of highway to the danger zone… but headline to the danger zone?! But seriously, the elevated stakes here demand attention, even if the product is a bit wordy—we’d nix e-learning and the day.

Bring Me the News: Dangerous cold, wicked wind chills to persist for days in Minnesota

Don’t think our online-only pals at BMTN forgot about Saturday’s brief warmup; this headline is actually from Thursday. Dangerous! Wicked! Tantalizing without being sensationalized, this one prepares readers for multiple days in dramatic, honest fashion.

Patch: Minnesota Is Colder Than Siberia Today

The dark-horse outlet FTW. Not wild about the subhead talking down to me—”Here’s how the two regions—both known for cold weather…”—but Patch takes a novel swing at today’s weather while simultaneously referencing this ancient coastal-elite headline grievance.