All right, my dating show friends. Let’s watch some more garbage! Today’s puppetmaster is Jonathan, a full-time law student. The show gives us a bunch of hilarious “lawyering” shots à la Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney. I’m already rooting for this guy because he can’t even say his name for the camera with a straight face. Yes, this shitshow is really happening, buddy!
“I’m studying law because it’s good money and uh, girls dig lawyers,” he says. Some want to be rock stars, some want to be lawyers, I guess.
He says he likes to cook, and it’s part of his wooing process. We get a shot of him heating up a pan of canned beans.
Jonathan's looking for a woman with the following characteristics: “energy, is smiling, and is up for a good time.” (Fair enough, but none of this turns out to be true.) “And uh, a nice ass wouldn’t hurt,” a fair request for a contestant on a silly game show.
Establishing shot time! We get another montage of downtown Minneapolis. There’s a bridge (I think it’s the Plymouth Avenue one), the AT&T Tower, and some other quick b-roll.
Back at the Lake
These establishing shots are meaningless, it turns out, as once again we open at Bde Maka Ska. Time to meet the ladies.
First up is Dina. She’s a human resources manager who speaks Russian. She definitely has an accent, so… is she Russian? Unclear! “Once this guy takes a look at me he’ll be putty in my hands,” she says in a line clearly fed to her. Her eyes are so dead here.
Vanessa is ready in a bikini. She’s a loan officer who loves country music. “I’m all about shock value,” she says. We’ll see about that, Vanessa!
Jenna is a personal assistant who loves salsa dancing and the single life; Anne is a communications major who loves Dawson’s Creek. She’s in a cute bikini top/skirt situation, but Jenna is not feeling Anne’s fit: “She looked like a 12-year-old trying to look like a skank.”
On to phase two of the date: Walking around with a cooler. Jonathan kinda humble brags that he’s a law student. Dina asks him what kind of law, and he dodges her question. “I love the work,” he says. “I hate law school, but I think five years from now it’s something I’d really like to do.”
He asks the ladies what they want to be up to in five years. Anne says she wants to travel. For some reason Dina thinks that’s a superficial answer and Jenna calls Anne a rich girl.
They sit down on a blanket for a little picnic and continue with the five years Q. Vanessa muses that by then she'll have her braces off. Jonathan says he likes her braces and all the girls agree they’re cool, which is sweet. She jokes that it was either boobs or braces budget-wise, so she picked the braces.
“I’m happy she chose braces over boobs, y’know?” says Jonathan in an interview. “I mean, we can get the boobs later. That’s something I wouldn’t mind paying for. Messed up grill? I ain’t gonna foot the bill for that.”
The convo devolves into Anne complaining that her legs are too long to buy jeans, which sparks a leg contest between Dina and Anne. Anne calls Dina fat. Both women are tiny (blessedly, the show’s narrator agrees).
Jonathan asks the women if anyone has been rejected before. Dina says no. They turn the question back on him, and he explains that of course he has; sometimes you just don’t click with somebody. He jokes that this especially happened if he’s a little too drunk. Anne says that’s hot.
Jonathan asks the girls what’s the craziest thing they’ve done while drunk. Anne tells a story about being in Vegas and having sex on the floor of a casino. Everyone kind of side-eyes her, but whatever. I once walked along a nature trail where I saw a beautiful baby deer with its mom and then, seconds later, passed by two people having sex against a tree. Circle of life.
EimiDATE time! It’s Jenna. He says she’s a sweetheart but she’s too quiet.
“He didn’t have the opportunity to get to know me,” she explains in her exit interview, musing that next time she’ll talk more shit in person rather than just in interviews. Yes, be the whole package next time, Jenna.
Remember Dixie's?
Next date! It’s at Dixie’s, which was an American grill-style restaurant inside the Calhoun Beach Club. All of the women are now sitting at the bar in bikini tops. Sure, why not.
Jonathan asks the gang how their last relationship ended, offering that his didn’t work out because it was long-distance. Dina says she found out she was being cheated on, so she and the other woman teamed up and ran him down with her car. Uh, girl power?
“There is still a dent in my car today from his leg print,” she brags. “It was three years ago; I was a little younger.” She assures the group that she didn’t really run him over, she just kinda pinned him in between two cars. She would have killed him if she wanted to, but that was not her intention. Everyone is kinda shocked, especially Vanessa who, as a loan officer, has probably seen some shit.
Dina goes on to further implicate herself by explaining that it was her idea, she was in control, and the other woman was basically just there. Ex-boyfriend: Are you out there? Let us know if you’re really okay, please.
After that casual convo they head out to the pool to stand at a table with their drinks. Jonathan asks about the girls’ bedroom inclinations. Dina kinda implies that she’s up for role playing. Vanessa asks if she ever pretends she’s Cher and he’s Sonny? They both crack up. BFF alert! I am now rooting for these two and their budding buddy-ship.
“No, I have never role played with Sonny and Cher,” says Dina in an interview, “but with a little bit of research, I think I might.”
ElimiDATE time: Anne is out. “I hope you get your one night stand,” she says as she leaves. Anne knows what time it is.
Time to Get Sexy in a Brightly Lit Jacuzzi!
The final date: They’re in an indoor jacuzzi and the sound is 'abysmal.
Jonathan keeps asking the hard-hitting questions, like any good lawyer would. This time he’s wondering what people would think if he showed up with the other woman at a wedding. That’s a weird Q, bro! Dina says people would wonder why Anne is so orange. Everyone genuinely cracks up at this, including Anne. I like the vibe these two girls have.
“If I’m orange then I guess everyone who is tan in Minnesota is considered orange,” says Anne in an interview. Girl, don’t stress it; we were all orange in the early '00s.
Vanessa says people might think Dina’s an Amazonian. That’s cute.
“If Dina’s an Amazon, I’d like to climb that tree,” says Jonathan. Uh, he doesn’t know what an Amazon is, does he?
Time for some last-ditch sexiness: Dina gives him a message. Next Vanessa takes him out of the jacuzzi to make out by the showers next to the restroom. The music in this scene is kinda hilarious. Like, the kind of elevator music they play at the dentist office.
Whelp, it’s time for the ElimiDATE. He picks Dina because she’s “professional, intelligent.” That was not part of your original criteria, dude! Anyway, everyone bear hugs each other and you can tell a legit good time was had by all.
