Welcome back to The Weedeater, Racket’s column exploring the exciting world of cooking with cannabis. Each month, I walk you through a tasty new cannabis-based recipe with foolproof instructions to make it yourself. Some are fast and easy. Others, elaborate and oh so very dumb. But all are delicious and leave you feeling real nice. With that, let’s get cooked!
Cajun Philly Cheesesteak Fries
As I mentioned in January’s Weedeater, I love my air fryer. In my opinion, it’s the greatest stoner innovation since mankind first put flame to flower. Over the years, my air fryer has helped satiate even the most dire cases of the munchies. Chicken tenders, frozen pizza, tater tots, dumplings, brownies, cakes, cookies… I’ve even thrown a whole-ass frozen steak in there and was blown away by the results. Yes, I know I can make all those things in the oven or on the stove, but for reasons I can’t explain, they just turn out better in the air fryer.
Through all my many air-fried successes, I also had countless failures in pursuit of my crispy white whale: the perfect scratch-made french fry. I’ve scrolled past untold food bloggers’ life stories only to find recipes that result in soggy and disappointing fry-shaped pieces of potatoey bullshit. I’ve also burned the hell out of too many potatoes to count.
Throughout my many trials and errors, I tried just about every method, temperature, and cooking fat I came across. I soaked the potatoes. I didn’t soak the potatoes. I varied cooking temperatures. I used as many cooking fats as I could. Peanut, canola, and olive oils all resulted in flimsy fries. Duck fat got me closer to the crispness I sought, but still didn’t quite scratch the itch of a proper french fry. Finally, one fat yielded the exact fry I wanted.
And then it became the official frying oil of fascism.
That’s right, I’m absolutely devastated to tell you all that the best fat for the job is fucking beef tallow. Now, if you’re lost as to what I’m talking about right now, congratulations on living a fulfilling life outside the confines of the internet. If you’d like to catch up on the absolute stupidity of beef tallow fries’ newfound Nazi ties, here you go. These fascist fucks really are trying to ruin everything in their path, including french fries, apparently. Haven’t we as a country been down this road before, what with the whole “freedom fries” idiocy of the early 2000s? Haven’t we put french fries through enough already?
Anyway, these fries are way too good to let some nonsense MAHA propaganda stop me from making them, and I promise they won’t give you brain worms. Also, we’re tossing them in Doctor Dabs Cajun THC seasoning before covering them in a deliciously greasy pile of meat and a decadent cheese sauce that I may or may not have developed a chemical dependency on. It’s safe to say that these particular beef tallow fries aren’t approved by RFK Jr. or the parasite that controls him. They did, however, get a big ol' stamp of approval from Racket’s own Em Cassel when she tried them for the first time: “This fuckin’ whips ass.”
Here’s What You’re Gonna Need.
For the fries:
- 1–2 large russet potatoes, cut into 1/4-inch fries
- 2 tablespoons beef tallow (available at most local food co-ops)
- 1–2 5mg packet Doctor Dabs Cajun Seasoning
- Salt to taste
For the steak:
- 8–10 oz ribeye steak
- 1 small white onion, diced
- 1 tablespoon beef tallow or cooking oil
For the cheese sauce:
- 2 tablespoons butter
- 1/8 cup flour
- 1 cups milk
- 3 slices of American cheese
- 1 slice of provolone cheese
- 1–3 5mg packet Doctor Dabs Cajun Seasoning
- Salt to taste
- Optional: 1 tablespoon chicken powder
Here’s What You’re Gonna Do.
1. Put the ribeye in the freezer for about 30-40 minutes. We’ll be slicing this sucker as thin as possible, so we want it to be just a little bit frozen.
2. Now, let’s start with the fries. Cut your potato into about 1/4-inch fries. We’re going for somewhere in the ballpark of a McDonald’s fry. Soak them in cold water for 30 minutes. Drain well, and pat dry with paper towels. Return the fries to a large bowl. Over on the stove, gently melt down two tablespoons of your beef tallow and pour it over the fries in the bowl. Working quickly, toss the fries in the melted tallow. The natural temperature of the potatoes will cool the tallow, coating each fry in a thin batter-like layer of fat. Toss fries in 1–2 packets of Doctor Dabs Cajun seasoning. Air fry at 380 degrees for 20–22 minutes, shaking the basket halfway through. Keep fries warm in the air fryer basket while you work on the other components.
3. Retrieve your ribeye from the freezer. Using your sharpest knife and even sharper common sense, slice the steak as thinly as possible. Slice against the natural grain of the meat. Thinly slice one small white onion. Preheat a cast iron pan over medium-high heat. Add one tablespoon of either beef tallow or cooking oil of your choice to the pan. Add steak slices to the pan, spreading evenly to cover the bottom. Season with some salt (and more Doctor Dabs if you’re feeling up for it). Add onions on top of the meat so they start to steam a bit. Let the meat cook on the first side for two minutes before stirring together with onions. Let cook an additional 2–3 minutes. Remove from heat, but keep the meat in the skillet so it stays warm while we make the real star of the show: the cheese sauce.
4. It’s cheese sauce time! Melt the butter in a small saucepan. Add the flour and whisk until well combined. Add the milk slowly while whisking continuously to avoid lumps. After all the milk is added, continue whisking until the sauce begins to thicken slightly. If you’re using chicken powder, add that now—this adds a ton of extra flavor and umami to the final sauce. You can find it at most Asian grocery stores, and it’s well worth having on hand because it makes most recipes better. Ok, back to the sauce. Add a slice of American cheese and whisk until melted before adding the next slice. Repeat until both cheeses are fully incorporated into the sauce. Whisk in however many packets of Doctor Dabs Cajun seasoning you’re using.
5. Time to assemble our fries. Spread those perfect fries on a plate or pile them into a bowl, top them with the steak and onions, drizzle a healthy amount of the cheese sauce on top of everything, and enjoy the best damn cheese fries of your life.
Or, You Can Take the Easy Way Out.
There are plenty of ways to make this one easier. You can use frozen french fries instead of making them from scratch. Or feel free to swap out the fries for tots. Go wild! Hell, make this on a Saturday or Sunday morning with tots, throw an over-easy egg or two on top, and you just saved yourself like $20 on brunch.
If thinly slicing a partially frozen ribeye seems too daunting, dangerous, or dumb, you can ask the grocery store butcher to do it for you. You can also find pre-sliced steak at most Mexican grocery stores. Or, reach for a package of the pride of Pennsylvania, Steak-umm.
If you’re only going to make one component of this dish, I highly recommend taking the time to make the cheese sauce. It’s well worth the minimal effort, and once you know how to make it, you’re going to want to put it on everything. I seriously can’t stop making it. I’m literally eating it as I write this, and probably while you read it. All that said, you can always just melt down some Velveeta and mix in your cajun seasoning.
Honestly, you can do a lot worse than frozen fries, Steak-umm, and Velveeta.
Well, that’s all for this one. See you next time!
