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The 7 Dull, Wearying, Pointless Stages of Insomnia

Or, what I did instead of sleeping last night.

Alexandra Gorman via Unsplash

The internet is magic. I thought I wasted a whole night of potentially sweet, sweet sleep last night by tossing and turning and "thinking." In fact, I was Being Creative. Just how creative is for you to say. (Not to my face though, I'm in a mood.) Anyway, with apologies to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, here is my feedback from an unplanned Sunday night sleep study.

1. If I make a mental list of everything I need to do tomorrow, my brain will run out of reasons to keep me awake. Repeat for “this week.” Repeat for “forever.”

2. What time is it? Repeat as needed. (Well, not “needed,” but you know what I mean.)

3. What if Hell was just eternal insomnia, or something minor like a migraine you can never get relief from? It really wouldn’t take much for something to amount to torture, would it? It’s just pain + eternity – hope. Everything else is just Catholics being weird.

4. Imagining multiple forms of torture (usually involving small spaces) and realizing how poorly I could withstand them. What’s wrong with me? Why am I so weak?

5. Pee. (Repeat sporadically, depending on age. Reflect on age if appropriate)

6. Begin the “the worst decision I ever made was...” and/or everything would have been different if only I had…” cycle. Repeat with multiple regrets.

7. I wonder if this could be content.

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