Six weeks ago, I helped a family member of mine (let’s call her Tanya) purchase her first sex toy, and that toy led to her having her very first orgasm with her husband. Tanya is 36 years old. Yes, I am that good! However, I didn’t do this alone.
Lucky for us in the Twin Cities, there’s an incredible community education center disguised as a sex shop in Lyn-Lake, Minneapolis: They call her the Smitten Kitten. Part sex boutique, part punk DIY mutual aid hub, this little shop offers more than just on-the-shelf products.
Founded over 20 years ago, Smitten Kitten began with a single goal in mind: “To do sex education and create community around embodied pleasure, because that’s what I needed,” says founder JP Pritchett. “Turns out, I’m just the same as everybody else.”
Smitten Kitten sells really amazing pleasure and lifestyle products, and they also hold educational workshops, discussions, and performances for the community of sex-positive and/or sex-curious people. SK is a space to learn about sexuality, and to participate in conversations and celebrations around pleasure, with workshops such as “Demystifying Ethical Non-Monogamy and Polyamory” and learning spaces such as their Sex & Cancer series. The staff at SK aren't shy about their politics—in the latest example, they're supporting the ongoing boycott of Target after the megacorp deciding to drop all of their DEI initiatives, which the shop called a “cowardly rollback of baseline representation."
Thirty-six is not old, by any means—but after folks hit a certain age and haven’t yet reached their first summit (so to speak), I think many wonder, “Why not me?” I took Tanya to Smitten Kitten, and together, we picked out a sex toy that I recommend to all newbies looking to up their O-game: the dual stimulator (often called a “rabbit”).
My reasons for recommending this little bunny were twofold: 1) the dildo part, and 2) the vibrator part. Combined, they offer incredible stimulation to several vital pleasure centers at the vulva/vagina. This toy is an all-in-one pleasure factory for those of us who like clitoral stimulation at the same time as internal penetration.
Two hours after our purchase, Tanya entered O-land with the help of her new special friend, the rabbit, and texted me with all the excitement in the world. I was elated!
We accomplished something many femmes are too shy to talk about: the later-in-life first orgasm. According to Pritchett and the Smitten Kitten staff, this story of finding pleasure as a later adult is not novel, but rather, “why we’re here.” Smitten Kitten is a space for people to learn about their sexuality, and to participate in conversations and celebrations around pleasure.
It’s no secret that many femmes have trouble reaching orgasm, and it’s a damn shame—but it’s not a prescription for leaving pleasure behind. Many pleasure activists and sex educators of late have elevated this issue into the mainstream through social media and podcasts, and there’s a wealth of advice out there for femmes and people with vaginas looking to master the art of the O. (Not that the O is the end-all, be-all; in my opinion, the process is just as—if not moreso—hot and pleasurable as the climax.)
Let’s talk about why it’s so difficult for some folks to reach orgasm. Factors that contribute to the reticence of the (mostly female/vagina-havers) orgasm are largely socioeconomic: access to healthcare and education, economic stress, cultural and social expectations, and even relationship dynamics contribute significantly to one’s ability to achieve orgasm. If you don’t feel safe, if you’re stressed about money or bills or work, or if you’re worried (even subconsciously!) about what your mom will think about the dirty slut you’ve become, it’s more difficult to feel connected to your body, takes more emotional labor to be vulnerable, and is therefore more difficult to achieve orgasm, in many cases.
During our interview, Pritchett tells me a story of an elderly couple who came into Smitten Kitten after having years of bad luck with couples therapy and doctors’ appointments that failed to help them give the wife her first orgasm. Pritchett listened, and their question to them was one that even through years of consulting professionals, not a single person had asked: “Do you know where the clitoris is?”
They didn’t. Pritchett emphasized the importance of listening, and how their approach at SK really starts from that place. “Sometimes the answer is so simple,” Pritchett says.
The additional cultural, religious, and social shame compounds insecurities related to the body and sexuality, complicating our ability to truly release, even at the hands of lifelong, trusted partners. That’s where a good toy comes in to help bypass your brain weasels with brute vibrations.
My unsolicited advice for the No O-er: It’s okay! Despite what society tells you, you do not HAVE to have an orgasm in order for sexual experiences to be enjoyable. However, if you are willing and interested in achieving climax, there are a variety of ways to get you there. You might as well try all of the things you can while you’re alive and curious.
By the way, sex toys have come a loooong way in the last 10 years, so if you’re someone who visits a sex shop less often than the rest of us perverts, I highly recommend you check in again, just to see what is new on the shelves. I was surprised to find new and fancy toys at SK that I’d never thought possible, including grinding pads that you mount, toys with a flicking motion like a tongue, and even remote-controlled insertables for use with partners. And, thanks to some early advocacy by Smitten Kitten, sex toys are now the safest they’ve ever been for all bodies to use.
There’s a lot of information out there, and it can be overwhelming, which is why I always recommend talking to someone who is knowledgeable about pleasure products AND sex and sexuality AND gender identity, like the folks at SK—or myself. There are sex workers, sex therapists, and somatic healers, for example, who are willing and able to act as coaches, helping people explore their unique anatomies and needs. Don’t be afraid to ask the questions, even if you think they’re stupid or unworthy: we only have one life, let’s get off on it.
If you’re ever feeling feisty or curious about starting your sexual pleasure journey, visit Smitten Kitten at 3010 Lyndale Ave. S. in Minneapolis. They will not disappoint.
And neither will—I cannot stress this enough—the rabbit.
Land o’ Lusts is a love letter to the bohemian underbelly of the Twin Cities. In each installment, writer Melodie KG—a Minneapolis-based consultant, nonprofit leader, and adult industry professional—seeks to dispel myths, uphold truths, and inspire conversations that reduce stigma for local sex workers, erotic professionals, risqué artists, and other deviants.
Have an idea for a story or profile? Interested in being interviewed? Have a (hopefully not literally) burning sex question? Reach out to me at contact@melodie-kg.com.
