OK, let’s make one thing clear: We are in this for the money. 

Every time we’ve blown an amp speaker, needed a new pedal, cracked a cymbal, stoically handed over a debit card at Party City with a cart full of confetti poppers and gallons of fake blood, run out of drink tickets, filled up the tank of an ‘87 Chevy G20 Sportvan that gets 10 miles to the gallon—*takes massive inhale*—every time we’ve made any semblance of a financial transaction in our eight years as MURF, the Twin Cities body-horror hardcore band? We’ve done so with the utmost confidence and reassurance knowing that one day, someday, this’ll all payoff in untold riches. 

Why else would you endure several hours in an AC-less van amid mid-’90s temperatures before playing a show in Baltimore to eight people? How else could you rationalize sleeping night after night on an army cot, pretending not to hear your bandmates ranting about the merits of Christopher Nolan films while wondering when the ranters’ stimulants will wear off? What else could justify depleting your personal funds while checking your mobile banking app to see if you can truly afford that twelve-er of Modelo at 2 a.m., as long as you only eat trail mix and leftover Jack Links for the next few days? Money, duh! 

🚨 SPOILER ALERT: 🚨 Being in a band is one of the worst financial decisions you can make in your life. 

So we’re not the frickin’ Foo Fighters here, yeah? We’re not goddamn Kings of Leon here either, packing stadiums, sharing their songs of perilous lust with thousands of people all hopped up on Corona Extra, making goddamn bank to support their beard oil side hustles, right? We’re just five 30-something Minneapolitan schlubs trying to play a little rock ‘n’ roll across the United States of America, mostly ‘cause we’re getting a little bored of playing the Eagles Club every month, OK? 

Touring, for bands of our stature, is more like an existential vacation that’s intended to make memories and build connections while serving as a psychological endurance experiment, one that tests the limits of our social and moral boundaries. And hey, if we make a little cheddar along the way, peddling our new record and slingin’ our T-shirts? If that subsidizes the gas and keeps the light blue American Spirits puffin’, then that’s a big ol’ Al Pacino “HOO-AH!” for us.

Sure, touring can be dire for bands of a DIY nature. In the godforsaken business of live music, there’s nothing more daunting than hitting the road with a couple hundred bucks to your name, calculating whether eating nothing but Ritz Bits for the next three weeks will suffice. Then there are all the unforeseeable hindrances that will bite you in the ass when you least expect it and might dissuade you from ever leaving the practice space again. Ask any band of any status and you’ll hear the horror stories: 

“The van broke down somewhere in Wyoming and needed over two grand in repairs.” 

“Our van got broken into somewhere in Milwaukee and all our guitars were stolen.” 

“Our drummer suffered a mental breakdown somewhere in Arkansas and required over four grand in therapy for brain repairs.” 

But look, I really don’t want this to come across as another cry for sympathy that exaggerates the struggles and hardships of a band on the road. Everyone is grinding out there, right? Everyone’s life is hard and nobody who’s never heard of  Bandcamp will care 2¢ about whether or not a band of degenerate Minnesotans broke even after playing two weeks of shows across the country. 

If you have the means, resources, and capabilities to spend any amount of time with your friends/bandmates on the road, shredding and yukking it up along the way, then you can’t be doing that bad. But for the sake of writing an attempt at introspective journalism, let’s chop it up and pull back the curtain on some of the nuts ‘n’ bolts of modern touring from the perspective of a working-class rock band, huh? Sound fun? Sound original? GOOD. GREAT. GRAND! 

We’ve established that any tour on a DIY scale is fucking risky (physically and mentally, let alone financially), and that every band that embarks on such a brazen odyssey understands that, and if they don’t they’ll quickly learn. You must accept that failure is not only an option but inevitable. Embrace it! Years from now, that shitty show in Cincinnati where you only played to the bartender and locked the keys inside the van during load-out will forever live in infamy as that shitty show in Cincinnati where you only played to the bartender and locked the keys inside the van during load out, an inside joke your band can share whenever you need to remember how shitty things can actually get. 

Alrighty, I guess 850 words into the article is the perfect time to introduce our band. We’re MURF! From Minneapolis! 

Our self-authored performer bio on the First Avenue website states that we’re a: “5-PIECE PUNK OUTFIT SPECIALIZING IN CHAOTIC THEATRICAL LIVE SHOWS ft. CONFETTI, BLOOD, DESTRUCTION OF PROPS, AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION, AND AN UNDYING LOVE FOR ROBOCOP,” and I’d say that pretty much sums us up. Oh, and if you didn’t already know, Shaq fucks with us. 

On June 17, 2024, we initiated a two-week tour in support of our third album, May’s ALREADY DEAD, available to purchase on vinyl courtesy of Learning Curve Records and available to stream wherever you stream yer tunes. (Oh fuck yeah, you see that plug?) Before embarking on our tour, we agreed with Racket to provide a condensed itinerary of our tour earnings, expenses, and experiences, in hopes of enlightening their readers about the financial logistics of modern DIY touring.

For clarity and consistency, this monetary overview will pertain solely to our finances as a band (gas money, merch sold, etc.) since, individually, expenses can fluctuate severely. (I, bassist/vocalist Evan Clark, also don’t want it on public record how much money I personally spent on ranch Bugles and Chalupas from T-Bell). I also want to be as transparent as possible and admit that not all of these figures are 100% accurate, mainly because in some shows you just run over to the merch table the second you’re finished playing and frenetically sell as much as you can for 15 minutes, without having the time or mental capacity to document every transaction. 

However, in the event that this article somehow reaches the IRS, I will also include the following disclaimer: ALL REFERENCES TO CURRENCY AND EARNING REPORTS ARE ESTIMATED AT BEST, HIGHLY HYPERBOLICAL FOR NARRATIVE APPEAL AT WORST, AND PROVIDE NO ACCURATE ASSESSMENT OF MURF’S CURRENT FINANCIAL STATE; FEDERAL AGENTS SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING AS PURE PARODY. 

So, without further ado, here is our best attempt at documenting our fiscal triumphs and tragedies on the road. 

Minneapolis, Minnesota

Date: June 17, 2024 
Venue: Zhora Darling 
Gig rating: (🤘 - 🤘🤘🤘🤘🤘 Scale): 🤘🤘🤘🤘

Our first show was a tour kickoff/album release show at Zhora Darling with our friends Texture Freq and In Lieu. ’Twas a great turnout, especially for a Monday eve. Every band ripped, vibes were immaculate, friends and familiar faces were present, fake blood was sprayed, and we raised some funds for our voyage ahead.  

Pros: Great turnout, perfect lineup, no setbacks, we all slept in our own beds.
Cons: Our homies Blue Ox got Covid and couldn’t shred with us 😞.
Door earnings (approx): $400 
Merch earnings (approx): $200 
Expenses (approx): N/A 
Net gain/loss: +$600
Total tour net gains/losses: +$600 

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Date: June 19, 2024 
Venue: Promises 
Gig rating: 🤘🤘🤘.5 

Our first stop on the tour was familiar territory in The Good Land. We played at a space called Promises, one of my favorite bars in the world, owned and operated by local legends Joey and Sarah Turbo, a power couple in every sense of the term. The bill was fun, young, and eclectic, sandwiching our shenanigans between more indie/emo-adjacent bands. The turnout was adequate, and those who did show up were happy to oblige with our theatrics. 

Pros: We shut down the bar with friends new and old, nurtured our souls with some King Gyros, and got to crash directly above the bar/venue in a comforting loft situation. 
Cros: Turnout left more to be desired and we didn’t make as much skrilla as we hoped for. Also, the AC in the van stopped working 10 minutes into our tour; it would remain inoperative for the entirety of our time on the road.   
Door earnings: $50 
Merch earnings: $95 
Expenses: $87 (gas) 
Net gain/loss: +$58 
Total tour net gains/losses: +$658 

Chicago, Illinois 

Date: June 20, 2024 
Venue: Reed’s Local
Gig rating: 🤘🤘🤘🤘

That Milwaukee to Chicago drive rules: You can sleep in, sit down to eat, take your time, and still roll into Chicago before load-in with time to spare. We christened our arrival to the Windy City with burgers from Kuma’s Corner, then waddled our way over to Reed’s Local down the street, a charming dive with Twin Peaks-inspired decor and a healthy VHS collection. We played with our Chicago friends Something Is Waiting, a trio of noise-rock veterans who know the highs and lows of touring all too well. The venue was small but every crevice was occupied predominantly by head-nodding Gen X-ers, who gleefully tolerated our deafening decibels. When the confetti settled, Something Is Waiting graciously gave us all the door money, and the evening concluded with several Malört rounds and wooden floors to crash on via our dear Chicago friend Terry. 

Pros: Gracious/supportive local bands, encouraging turnout, favorable payout, multiple illicit substance offers, free place to crash—fucking Chicago baby! 
Cons: Goddamn, Chicago knows how to drink.  
Door earnings: $300 
Merch earnings: $100-ish 
Expenses: N/A 
Net gain/loss: +$400-ish 
Total tour net gains/losses: +$1,058 

Detroit, Michigan

Date: June 21, 2024 
Venue: Corktown Tavern
Gig rating: 🤘🤘.5 

This was our tour debut in unfamiliar territory, and we were excited to venture into the birthplace of RoboCop. When I first entered Corktown Tavern to scope out our surroundings, I was greeted by a shirtless 50-something bartender who was in the middle of pouring himself a shot of Smirnoff. He informed me that the venue was upstairs, something every touring band loves to hear, as nothing gets the blood pumping like hauling an Ampeg fridge cab up a flight. This show itself encompassed both the malaise and magic of touring. The upstairs venue was a fucking sauna, pushing both bands and attendees alike to the brink of delirium while pretending to be having a good time in the name of rock ‘n’ roll. 

The turnout could be described as “meh,” which made it all the more cringe when the singer of one of the opening bro-core bands kept screaming at the sweating audience to “GET THE FUCK UP!” It felt as if we’d have the first financial dud on our hands, that is until I sparked a conversation with a loner sporting an Andruw Jones Atlanta Braves jersey who revealed to me he was in town for a baseball game and just so happened to stumble across the venue. After a casual exchange of obscure baseball references and the origins of MURF, he decided to just hand me $75 to go toward fixing the AC, as well as three Chick-Fil-A coupons good for free milkshakes. His spontaneous generosity essentially covered our gas money that day, and the contagious courtesy continued with our dear friend Riley greeting us with beautiful square-pan pies from Jet’s Pizza, as well as getting a free place to crash courtesy of local legend Sean Clancy, bassist of Child Bite and owner of one of the nicest basements I’ve ever slept within.  

Pros: Rampant generosity, cruising around while blaring the 8 Mile soundtrack in the van.   
Cons: HOT AS BALLS, loading gear up and down stairs, “meh” turnout, “meh” vibes, “meh” show. 
Door earnings: $120 
Merch earnings: $175 (including the $75 donation) plus three free Chick-Fil-A milkshake coupons 
Expenses: $85.90 (gas) 
Net gain/loss: +$199.10 
Total tour net gains/losses: +$1,257.10 

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 

Date: June 22, 2024 
Venue: Shred Shed
Gig rating: 🤘🤘.5 

I’d say the most underappreciated aspect of touring for me is playing with dozens of random bands from random parts of the country and attempting to associate their sound and vibe with the city they inhabit. The location and energy of the venue we played at in Pittsburgh sort of had what I can only describe as a backwoods/backyard wrestling feel to it, epitomized by one of the local acts we played with, Disease of the Mind, whose drummer piledrived the singer through a folding table at one point during their set. The turnout for this gig was fairly underwhelming and we didn’t make that much cash, but the venue was cool, the bands were fun, and nobody got injured. 

This was the first stop on the tour where we sought out a motel for shelter, because, sometimes, saving a few bucks to crash with 20-somethings who probably own crossbows and will keep you up all night just isn’t worth the physical and mental toll. All in all, Pittsburgh was… interesting! Also, shout out to the mother of one of the other band’s guitarists who told me, “Y’all slay” while holding a Busch Light in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. 

Pros: Funny bands, goofy times, incredible sandwiches consumed after the show. 
Cons: “Meh” turnout, bad money, no free place to stay.
Door earnings: $50 
Merch earnings: N/A 
Expenses: $60 (gas), $25 (tolls), $100 (motel) 
Net gain/loss: -$135 
Total tour net gains/losses: +$1122.10 

Brooklyn, New York 

Date: June 23, 2024 
Venue: The Wood Shop
Gig rating: 🤘🤘🤘

NEW YOOOOOORK! BROOOOOKLLLYYYYNNNN! 

Our first time playing in the Big Apple was quite the raucous ruckus. It was also a crash course  in booking logistics for myself. It’s never a good sign when all of the local bands you’re playing with ask “Where is that?” when you tell them the venue you booked, and that was certainly the response I received from all of these NYC bands. The room was adequate from an optical perspective, although the general apathy from essentially every staff member except the sound person was certainly a vibe. The opening band of the evening toyed with my partiality for punctuality, prompting the sound person to grill me every five minutes with, “WHERE IS THE OPENING BAND??” as if I were equipped with a real-time opening band GPS tracker. Fortunately, they arrived 15 minutes after they were initially slated to perform, and the show went on with quite the boisterous bill (including our extremely talented friends A Deer A Horse), along with some especially bawdy behavior and ardent antics from MURF’s Iggy-inspired shock-shrieker, Daniel, who spared no space with blood and bile. 

When a so-called general manager tells you, “Oh, we gotta sift through all the ticket sales and see if we cleared overhead, then we’ll email you in a few days with any payout details,” for a show that maybe drew 30 people, it’s highly likely you will receive exactly zero dollars from the door. And that is what indeed happened. Nevertheless, a bucket-list box was checked as we shredded it up in the most iconic shredder city known to man, concluding the night with oversized za slices and soaking in the famous smells of the city’s sewer system. 

Pros: Friggin’ played New York baby, AAAOOOOO! Great bands, decent turnout, the van didn’t break down in a tunnel, our guitarist Hunter was the most incredible chauffeur we could ever ask for, and we played next door to ’90s icons EMF (“You’re unbelievable, AAAOOOOOOOO!!!”). 
Cons: Zero door money, expensive last-minute hotel booking, impossible parking, and Tom got nipped in the face by a pitbull.
Door earnings: ZERO DOLLARS 
Merch earnings: $50ish 
Expenses: $87.45 (gas), $232.00 (hotel room desperately booked at 1 a.m.) 
Net gain/loss: -$269.45 
Total tour net gains/losses: +$852.65

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Date: June 24, 2024 
Venue: Ortlieb’s 
Gig rating: 🤘🤘.5

We are now officially entering the lull of our tour, or the eye of the storm if I were looking at it optimistically. The Philly stop was a good reminder of one of the main disillusions of touring, in that you finally get to visit these incredible cities, but your experience is solely limited to one bar or one person’s apartment. There’s no time to bask in the irony of running up the Rocky steps or quoting National Treasure near the Liberty Bell; instead, our time was spent looking for parking and using up drink tickets before the show even started. Our Philly gig was satisfactory, if unremarkable, but in hindsight was certainly a booking blunder on my end. Had we booked the gig at our friends’ house venue, we would have certainly played to more eyes and ears as opposed to a bar known for their hot dogs on a Monday night.

Nonetheless, our Philly gig will always be memorable because we learned what not to do next time we’re in town, we got to crash with some incredible new and old friends, and we met the biggest MURF fan on the planet—a teacher who informed us that our music “soothes” him after a rough day at school and brought all three of our vinyl records for us to autograph. It still bewilders me knowing there’s some middle school teacher in Philadelphia who interprets our music as a therapeutic device, and it’s also the ultimate validation for doing what we do and playing our knucklehead numbers to strangers in faraway places. 

Pros: Good bands, great people, meeting the ultimate MURF superfan.
Cons: Minimal money, meager turnout, Dan getting his Uber Eats Taco Bell stolen by a midnight rover.
Door earnings: $30 
Merch earnings: $75 
Expenses: $85.00 (gas) 
Net gain/loss: +$20 
Total tour net gains/losses: +$872.65

Baltimore, Maryland

Date: June 25, 2024 
Venue: The Crown
Gig rating: 🤘.5

It’s only right that the deepest, darkest existential void we experienced on tour came in the seedy belly of Baltimore, home to some of our country's most audacious outcasts. Our Baltimore gig had it all, baby: a venue situated above an Asian restaurant, multiple flights of stairs to load gear up and down on, minimal AC relief, a bartender with “Crybaby” in boardwalk graffiti T-shirt font tattooed above her eye, bands that make you wonder whether this is their debut performance, the other bands informing you that “It’s a bummer ‘cause there’s a killer emo show going on tonight a few blocks away that everyone’s gonna be at,” and roaming junkies that flocked toward the sight of your cigarette lighter like moths to a flame. Perhaps the apex of the evening came when experiencing the emotional dilemma of an adorable elderly woman politely informing you that your band will receive precisely zero percent of the door money her venue collected that evening. “Oh, sorry,” she says while smiling. “We didn’t cover overhead, there’s no money for you.” 

There’s really no other warranted reaction to such news other than sort of shrugging your eyebrows and nodding your head. Internally, maybe you do make a Sopranos “OOOOOOHH!!” and consider the possibility of ushering in all the precarious pedestrians lurking outside her establishment and letting them loose inside the restaurant. But fatigue outweighs pettiness, as it’s been nearly a week of sustaining this state of delirium, concocted after endless hours endured in an AC-less van, driving past ceaseless pro-life billboards in sweltering summer heat, engulfed in stank as Converge blares through shoddy van speakers. But beneath all the absurdity lies the silver lining of generosity observed when one of the opening bands nobly decides to spend all the money in their chain wallets on your merch, saving both your sanity and your spirits while restoring your faith in humanity.  

Pros: Nothing “bad” happened, generous acts of merch-purchasing kindness. 
Cons: Shrugging off the internal quandary of “What are we even doing here?”  
Door earnings: $0 
Merch earnings: $100 
Expenses: $85 (motel) 
Net gain/loss: +$15 
Total tour net gains/losses: +$887.65 

Cross Lanes, West Virginia

Date: June 26, 2024 
Venue: Mardi Gras Casino & Resort
Gig rating: N/A

What better way to enjoy a day off from gigging and shrugging off financial insecurity than at a casino resort? Especially a casino resort in West Virginia! The Jack & Cokes were flowing as I cavalierly pulled the slot lever and built my 25-cent empire up to an astronomical $10. After collecting my modest earnings, I savored the sheer absence of stress amid the flickering fluorescent lights and jittery jingles of gambling machines. No load-in times to be late to, no Instagram group chats with strangers to correspond with, no soundpeople to query their thoughts on fake blood with; just five guys blowing off a little steam, playing a little hotel room poker, and attempting to do laundry with extremely substandard results. 

Pros: No responsibilities whatsoever, won $10 on quarter slots.  
Cons: The most abysmal laundry machine situation experienced in recent memory. Also, our drummer Jeff lost $200 on slots.   
Door earnings: N/A 
Merch earnings: N/A 
Expenses: $135 (lodging), $60 (gas) 
Net gain/loss: -$195
Total tour net gains/losses: +$692.65

Louisville, Kentucky 

Date: June 27, 2024 
Venue: Portal 
Gig rating: 🤘🤘🤘

The utter lack of genre consistency with opening bands on this tour has been a marvel to behold. But in Louisville, Kentucky, after a week of sharing bills with noise rock, emo, punk, metal, post-punk, hardcore, and other far-flung bands, we reached one hyper-specific subgenre we, surprisingly, rarely come across: straight-edge bro-core. If you’re unfamiliar with straight-edge bro-core, all I can really tell you is this: They’re typically aggro/beatdown hardcore sounding; they pound obscure energy drinks in favor of beer, they tend to wear flat-billed hats, camo pants, and long-sleeve shirts with gothic metal fonts on the sleeves (short sleeve shirt-wearers will also rock wrist sweatbands); they tend to overuse double-kick and metallic breakdowns; and they constantly yell at the crowd to “GET THE FUCK UP” or “I NEED MORE ENERGY FROM Y’ALL RIGHT NOW” as twirling teens fly around, flailing their limbs and occasionally knocking someone to the floor, which is a rite of passage.

That was at least the vibe from our Louisville show, and I must say, despite my condescending tone, the vibes were positive and wholesome. Honestly, it’s just cute watching young punks and metalhead outcasts find their community around two-stepping, windmilling, ninja-kicking numbskulls who help pull you back to your feet as quickly as they’ll knock you down to the sticky floor. Our show that night was fun, specifically in the sense of winning over a crowd that was cemented in their hardcore values and expectations, enlightening them to our sophisticated display of puppet corpse crowd-surfing and homoerotic choreography. The venue we played at was by far the nicest of the tour. In fact, it was way too nice, as the roughly 50 people we played to felt scarce as they spread out within an establishment that could hold over 600. Needless to say, such a massive venue warranted no door money, but one thing about playing to straight-edge kids is that, thank god, they love buying merch.  

Pros: Wholesome hardcore behavior, a beautiful venue, and generous people abound. Oh, and Dan starting the show with, “What’s up St. Louis?” got me giggling. 
Cons: VENUE TOO BIG! NO DOOR MONEY AGAIN! FAILING TO FIND A PLACE TO CRASH AFTER PLAYING WITH FOUR OTHER BANDS! D’OH! 
Door earnings: $0 
Merch earnings: $150 
Expenses: $75 (gas), $100 (motel) 
Net gain/loss: -$25 
Total tour net gains/losses: +$667.65

St. Louis, Missouri

Date: June 28, 2024 
Venue: Platypus 
Gig rating: 🤘🤘🤘🤘

Ladies and gentlemen, we are now making our way back to familiar territory. And not a second too soon, as things were starting to feel a little… let’s say repetitious, if not monotonous, with our recent string of weekday duds along our East Coast debut. Blessedly, Siri has guided us to The Lou, an old stomping ground chock-full of tour memories, specifically our first out-of-town gig where we played to literally zero people (aside from the pajama-clad sound person) and broke the lock off our U-Haul storage trailer during load-out. Look how far MURF has come! 

It’s an uplifting (maybe even rapturous) sensation to stroll into an out-of-town venue and immediately be greeted by a club owner with outstretched arms, one who graciously informs you that drinks and food are on the house tonight. The bill was more up our alley than previous gigs, and although you could feel a sense of heatwave-induced lethargy holding the crowd back from their regularly scheduled stage-dive shenanigans, the sheer amount of smiles and devil horns beaming our way song after song certainly validated our chaotic endeavors. 

It was an inspiring evening of rock ‘n’ roll capped off with an endearing amount of door and merch money made. 

But the best was saved for last. 

After the gig, our heroic efforts were rewarded with A MOTHER FUCKING ABOVE-GROUND POOL, courtesy of our St. Louie homie Eric, who graciously hosted us, and our newly friended Nebraska shredders Iced Wrist, which made for quite the evening of 10+ dudes engaging in splish-splash karate choreography set to a nu-metal soundtrack. I gotta say, holy shit, I don’t think I’ll ever embark on another summer tour ever again if there is no guarantee of pool access at some point on the road. There is no turning back for me, not after experiencing the celestial epiphany that accompanies a bawdy baptism of Busch Light and relatively clean backyard pool water. If there is one takeaway from this article to hold dearly, it’s *Kid Rock voice*: GET IN THE POOL AND TRY TO LOVE SOMEONE! 

Pros: Incredible hospitality all around, fun bands, good energy, generating a profit, and oh yeah, POOL TIME.  
Cons: I mean, again, pool time makes up for any potential nit-pickiness I could attempt to conjure up.  
Door earnings: $200 
Merch earnings: $125 
Expenses: $75 (gas) 
Net gain/loss: +$250 
Total tour net gains/losses: +$917.65

Kansas City, Missouri

Date: June 29, 2024 
Venue: Farewell Cafe  
Gig rating: 🤘🤘🤘🤘🤘

And here we have it, the apex of our 2024 Already Dead Tour. The headbangers ball. The only certified B A N G E R on this trek that garnered the prestigious five devil horn gig rating. A truly magical evening of rowdy riffs, frenzied freaks, and the idea that, “If you book it, they will come,” to paraphrase Ray Liotta. Kansas City is a hotbed for top-quality bands, and Farewell Cafe is home away from home for many touring groups, including MURF. I had been looking forward to this gig the entire tour. From the sauna gig in Detroit to the existential crises in Baltimore, the promise of one show kept me in good spirits, emotionally and economically speaking. And while that certified banger on the horizon might have looked like a mirage at times, when the moment finally comes to shred in front of a hundred-plus misfit maniacs, it instantly validates any trials and tribulations you’ve endured along the way. 

We had the honor of ripping it up with Missouri Executive Order 44 and Nerver, two of the best to ever do it, and we pummeled our way through a salacious set, with all of our anarchic antics met with the utmost audience approval. Being the total professionals that they are, our gracious musical cohorts gave us all the door money and secured us with a comfortable place to crash, as we concluded a victorious evening with some well-deserved Taco Bell. Ahh, if only every gig could be as rewarding as this, aye? Ahh, but then we’d be a bunch of spoiled, pampered prisses, losing our humility, edge, and underdog charm! What a shitty article this would be if every recap was: BEST SHOW EVER, WE RULE, WE MAKE MONEY, YOU DON’T, HA HA HA, BUY OUR ALBUM PEASANT!! *Sam Elliott voice* “You gotta crack a few eggs before you can scarf down an omelet, aye hombre?” 

Pros: EVERYTHING. 
Cons: FUCKING NOTHING. 
Door earnings: $600 
Merch earnings: $125 
Expenses: $81.09 (gas) 
Net gain/loss: +$643.91
Total tour net gains/losses: +$1,561.56

Sioux Falls, South Dakota

Date: June 30, 2024 
Venue: Total Drag Records
Gig rating: 🤘🤘🤘🤘

Upon Googling, I’ve learned it was Geoffrey Chaucer, the English poet, author, and civil servant who is often referred to as the "father of English literature," who’s credited with the 1374 origin of the phrase, "All good things must come to an end." Quite the gloomy chap that Chaucer, huh? Nonetheless, ol’ Chaucey was definitely on to something. And when good things do end, there’s a considerable amount of processing required to accurately assess the strobe lights of memories, feelings, and experiences encountered along the way.

But before we even attempt such reflection, we have one more motherfucking gig to recap, and this one was certainly a homecoming of sorts. We had strategically chosen to conclude our tour in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, a once-upon-a-time hedonistic playground for our members Tom and Jeff. Our final gig was at the illustrious HQ of Total Drag Records, owned and operated by our hospitable friends Dan and Liz, which has been home to plenty of epic shows over the years. It was a performance packed with familiar faces, including our dear friends in Off Contact who initiated the proceedings with expressive, hazy post-punk serenades. 

The show was sold out, the vibes were impeccable, and the crowd respectfully moshed it up within the cozy confines of the record store. But alas, just when this storybook conclusion felt too good to be true, disorder reared its ugly head, because, as the saying goes, when you play with fake blood, you’re bound to get, well… bloody. We got too carried away with our bloody baptism bit, and our crimson concoctions splattered all over some surrounding records and the venue’s sound mixing board. After an initially truculent standoff over the gory aftermath of the festivities, apologies were delivered, order was restored, and the evening would end with a few arduous hours of cleanup, something we’ve certainly been familiar with over our years of debaucherous deviancy. Although it wasn’t the cinematic ride off into the sunset I had envisioned for the night, in hindsight, it was certainly a fitting encapsulation of touring as a whole: Expect the unexpected, roll with the punches, revere the riches, face the music when confronted, and ensure a semblance of consonance is ultimately achieved. 

Bloody mess aside, there are certainly much worse ways to terminate a tour. And, at the end of the day, we came out in the black, only minor facial injuries were sustained, and we had the privilege of failing to attain any traumatizing tour stories that could dissuade us from embarking on another zany venture of playing our sonic sleaze across this kooky country we call home. Not bad! 

Pros: Good money, good people, good tunes, good cheers. 
Cons: TOO MUCH BLOOD 😬 
Door earnings: $500 
Merch earnings: $100 
Expenses: $142.78 (gas) 
Net gain/loss: +$457.22
Total tour net gains/losses: +$2,018.78

So there you have it. A peek behind the curtain of the DIY Touring Industrial Complex. According to these fairly accurate (and also completely hypothetical and pretend, alright IRS?) figures we logged on the road, we came out of it with a little over $2K in profits. Hey, pretty good, aye? Look at us, friggin rolling in it! Pats on the backs all around, huh?! 

But let’s be real: What does that number even mean for us, a band whose members all work full-time outside of making music? Most of our “earnings” will inevitably get sunk into van maintenance and repairs, maybe some new shirt orders, or hopefully toward recording sessions for album No. 4. Yes, we were able to avoid substantial out-of-pocket costs to fund this fun ride, an achievement that we shouldn’t overlook, especially when I compare it to our first touring jaunt that probably accumulated less profit than a modern Kevin Costner western at the box office. (Yeah, that’s right, two fucking references to Kevin Coster movies in one article, come and get me!) 

But in the end, touring and money, at this stage and status of our band’s existence, are two separate entities, concepts, and objectives, certainly corroborating with one another, but ultimately serving their own values into the grand equation of being a band. It boils down to touring = awareness, connections, memories; money = cross your fingers and hope you make enough to fund your shit. There’s an old saying coined by Mike Watt of the Minutemen that continues to run rampant through DIY music circles: “Our band could be your life.” (Michael Azerrad’s essential 2001 book, which catalogs the origins of underground rock touring in the U.S., borrows its title from that line.) The emphasis of that lyric is could, serving as an ambiguous middle ground between “should” and “can’t.” Bands are a choice—and a curious, irresponsible one at that. 

In all honesty, I don’t think I can find a more appropriate (paraphrased) quote to summarize this tour and this band than the final graduation scene from Billy Madison: “Well, what can we say? We toured. It’s over. We did it. I know most of you are saying, ‘Hey, any idiot could do that.’ Well, it was tough for us, so BACK OFF!”