As a noted fool, I've placed two article albatrosses around my neck for years: reviewing the Twins walk-up songs each spring, which I've done for... dear god, over a decade, and, each winter, ranking MnDOT's crowd-sourced snowplow name finalists. Is that any way to live? No. But I beat on, blogs against the algorithm, determined to deliver unique riffs, observations, japes, and commentary on those wacky batters and nutty road-clearing rigs.
This year MnDOT received 7,300+ suggestions for its annual plow-naming contest, down around 700 from '24. Beginning today, bored and cold Minnesotans can vote for their eight favorites among 50 finalists, down 10 finalists from '23; voting runs through February 7, and, for the fifth consecutive year, eight winners will eventually see their names—like PlowyMcplowFace, Betty Whiteout, and the (possibly canceled) Blizzo before 'em—emblazoned on the sides of honest-to-god MnDOT snowplows. (Just don't get us started on Plowy's font size...)
As is our taxpayer/journalistic right, we present the following 50 critical judgments of the 50 finalists. Let's... snow? (*Denotes repeat suggestion from previous years.)
50. Brrrtha
Huh? What? Buh?
49. Frosty the Snowplow*
If this wasn't submitted by a small child I'm so, so mad… Fun fact: This one climbed a whole spot from last year, due to the bewildering submission that’s currently coming in last place.
48. Winter Warrior*
Try harder.
47. Land of 10,000 Snows*
Please try harder?
46. Oh Snow You Didn’t!
The A to B here—"snow" rhymes with "no"—is about as surface-level as it gets.
45. Snow Place Like Home
Next!
44. Catch My Drift*
Now this one's just threatening. Stay safely behind the plows, folks.
43. Orange Peeler
So like… the plows are orange, right? And they peel away… snow? But in this scenario, the orange object is doing the peeling, rather than being peeled? What are we even doing here?
42. Salt Me Baby One More Time
Setting aside the botched, non-locally-angled pun, why is the truck asking to be salted?
41. Say It Ain't Snow
Come on, man.
40. Meltin’ John
This one, and the following three submissions below it, are ostensible ties built on the same premise: low-effort celeb puns lacking concrete Minnesota connections.
39. Albert Icestein
See above.
38. Chilly Eilish
See above.
37. Snowtorious B.I.G.
See above.
36. SKOL Plow*
Are we missing something here? We’re just slapping Vikings sloganeering ahead of “Plow”? That’s what we’re doing?
35. Little Plow on the Prairie
Does not rhyme! There are rules… or maybe there should be, MnDOT.
34. L’Plow du Nord*
Plow-like, please dig a little deeper.
33. The North Plow
Sounding like a Santa porno parody.
32. We’re Off To See The Blizzard
Is this song part of Wicked? That’d at least give us some timeliness.
31. Snow Big Deal*
Not reinventing the wheel with this one, but love a plow with confidence. Thomas the Tank Engine mindset. BPE, if you will. (Please don’t.)
30. 867-530 Brine
IDK, kinda fun. Might be worth stealing for a boutique pickle brand.
29. Aaron Brrrr, Sir*
The vice president responsible for shooting and killing Founding Father Alexander Hamilton in a duel? Sir? Uhh, sure, why not? The weirdest finalist by a country mile. [Ed. note: Jay is still unfamiliar with the hit musical Hamilton.]
28. Minnesnowta N’ice*
Reads like a T-shirt you'd get at one of those annoying, state-centric airport gift shops for last-second souvenir buyers. That said, props for the double pun.
27. Blizzard Buster*
Nobody could accuse this one of gilding the lily.
26. No Business Like Snow Business*
A nice reminder that MnDOT spends around $175 million each season on snow and ice removal. This is serious, expensive stuff we're talking about.
24. Plower Power*
Reminds ya of that classic Mr. Burns line:
23. Hot To Snow!
The exclamation mark really makes this one sing. Paradoxically, we’re having lots of fun: hot vs. cold, Chappell Roan’s hit “Hot to Go!” being, arguably, the song of the summer ‘24, being referenced mid-winter, etc.
22. De-Iceman Cometh
Greetings, De-Iceman.
21. Accumulus Removeus
While it’s millennial-coded to a fault, it rolls off the tongue, right?
22. Snow Country for Old Men
The “no” to “snow” pathway is uninspired. Generously, though, we’ll assume the submitter is alluding to the Coen brothers film rather than the Cormac McCarthy novel on which it’s based, thus giving us that tantalizing local angle.
21. Sub Zero Hero
Emphatically, we salute the drivers.
20. Plowabunga!
This would simply look neat on the side of a plow. (Provided, again, the font is BIG ENOUGH.)
19. In My Blizzard Era
Low-hanging Gen Z fruit, but admittedly a funny thing for a 70,000-pound truck to declare.
18. Lady Slippery*
A reference to our state flower that took me waaaay too long to wrap my head around. "Sounds dirty," according to one Racket co-owner. Didn't sound like they were complaining.
15. You’re Welcome
Sorta subverts the expected format, directly addressing Joe Motorist, who may or may not be grateful for the heroic lengths these plows go to keeping our roads clear. THANK YOU.
15. Rudy GoBrrr
The Frenchman Timberwolves center is large. Plows are large. They both clear lanes. What’s not to like?
14. A Little Salty*
Love the idea of a slightly pissed off truck. That said, these road salts can't be celebrated if you're a champion of clean water—the 400,000 tons dumped annually on Minnesota roads contribute to chloride pollution.
13. Joe Plower
Our hometown hardball star entered Cooperstown last year, but I’m willing to bet that Mauer, the consummate unassuming townie, would appreciate this nod almost as much.
12. Flake Superior*
If put into service in and around Duluth, no notes whatsoever.
11. Best in Snow*
Ranked five spots higher than it deserves on account of that Christopher Guest movie holding the hell up. Also, factually, plows are great in snow.
10. James J. Chill
Similar to my Joe Plower bet, I’m willing to bet this ostentatiously wealthy 19th-century rail baron would also like to have a snowplow named in his honor. No follow-up questions!
9. Don’tcha Snow
Aww.
8. I Came, I Thaw, I Conquered*
Reliable. Effective. Triumphant. Self-involved. Everything you want in a snowplow.
7. Just Scraping By*
Summons the Midwestern energy of "Ope, just gonna sneak right past ya." (That said, add "Ope"!) And is it a profound political statement about threadbare social services following 40 years of bipartisan subservience to private capital? You decide.
6. Miracle on Ice*
I'm as romantic for the 1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey Team as anyone, and I too consider our brave plow drivers to be miracle workers, of sorts. More of a statement of fact than anything else.
5. Austin Plowers
Yeah, bay-be, yeah! OK, I’m violating my own cheap celeb pun pedantry expressed way above, but come onnnnn.
4. Plowin’ In The Wind
With Dylanmania in full swing, this just makes sense. A snob could suggest something like, say, Winterlude Wagon, a nod to the New Morning deep-cut, but this isn’t a snobby exercise.
3. Make Snowbegone*
Man, say what you will of sexist (alleged!) sex pest Garrison Keillor... this is elite wordplay and Minnesotan to the bones.
2. Bob Chillin’
See No. 4. With this one, however, we could possibly mock up some sunglasses around the headlights, driving home this cool-ass name and also acknowledging an alleged “eyewear icon.”
1. Anthony Sledwards
*Swish.*
