After suffering through six episodes of wall-separated conversations, the Minneapolis cast of Love is Blind is finally out of the pods and doing stuff, folks! Sure, these three episodes could have been cut in half, but we’re starting to get more mess and moments that are almost human, so… that’s progress, right?
Let’s do this.
Episode 7: “Bueller?”
And we’re starting where we left off: Taylor is freaking out because Daniel might have looked at her Instagram before the show, tipping him off to her love of Jesus and Taco Bell. Someone from the crew tells her they're willing to give her phone back so she can verify the apparently startling claim that Daniel added her as a friend then dropped her.
This scene goes on forever. Taylor needs a Wi-Fi password. She asks for it. She gets it from a crew member. She enters it. She scrolls in real time. No cuts, just people in a room watching her stare at her phone. Riveting stuff.
Taylor has an app that tracks follower adds/drops and jokes that she's lost a lot of followers. Do colonoscopy nurses typically have massive followings from strangers?
Anyway, after all this, she can’t find any proof that Daniel ever saw her Instagram. Whew! Alright, let’s go to Honduras!
The Gang of Five Have the Most Boring Convos on Vacation
“Five couples are headed to Honduras,” narrates host Vanessa Lachey, “and with the wedding only four weeks away their love is about to face some major tests.” Wow, this show is on a tighter timeline than 90 Day Fiancé. What could go wrong?
Honestly, there’s not enough going on in Honduras to justify an entire episode. A few of the inane convos that take up the next 30 minutes:
Virginia says she's “grown and sexy.” “We’re all adults,” concludes Devin.
Lauren is not a fan of her manicure. “It’s too purpley,” she says, assuring Dave that despite this shade issue, it will be OK. She also drops that she had a bikini wax before heading off for their vacation, so sex is off the table. Dave looks bummed.
Taylor and Daniel talk about how they both like Taylor Swift and decorating for Christmas. “I find myself looking away sometimes to put myself back in the pods,” says Taylor. Sounds like a trauma response!
Sara and Ben stand in front of the mirror and talk about preferred couple poses. Totally normal stuff! Later in the episode Ben spills a glass of water and they both laugh about it like it’s the funniest thing ever. We watch them crack up for about five minutes.
We’re Halfway Through the Episode, Folks
The morning after the couples sleep together for the first time, we get some recaps. Dave notes that Lauren pees and moves around a lot. This will come up at least four more times. Daniel and Taylor say they thumb-wrestled until 1 a.m. Is that code for sex? No. No it is not. Dear god.
Monica and Joey eat dinner. Joey explains how he cured himself of OCD, then points out that the fireplace isn’t symmetrical and it’s bothering him. That would drive me nuts too, Joey.
We end the episode with Dave and Lauren on an awkward boat trip. He mentions how much she pees again. In an interview Dave explains that he has seen her naked but they haven’t had sex yet, which is “totally fine.” Sure, buddy.
We’re also introduced to the main conflict of this three-episode arc: Prior to her appearance on Love is Blind, Lauren was friends-with-benefitting a dude from Dave’s social circle, and it’s wigging him out. She stresses that she was never dating this dude, just hooking up. This confuses Dave, who acts like he was celibate for four years.
We’ve got two more hours of this.
Episode 8: “A Family Affair”
The Love Is Blind crew starts off with lots of GoPro and drone footage. There’s also a shot of refried beans. Sure, why not? The couples do a bunch of vacation stuff that was probably contractually required by the Honduras tourism bureau.
Last night on vacation. Everyone is meeting up. There’s a shot of the buffet. Shish kabobs and tequila shots for all.
The girls talk about pooping.
Meanwhile, Dave brings up Lauren’s night pee schedule at least three more times. Lauren talks about wanting to go back in the pods. If you do, I’m stopping these recaps lady!
Probably prompted by the show’s producers, Dave’s pulling everyone aside to ask about sex. Monica tells Dave she and Joey “hung out” in a way that means “yes,” our genitals have hung out with each other. Nice! Ben tells the guys he has “sex pretty fast” with Sara... Nice?
Mini Happiness
The gang is heading back to Minneapolis to take this shitshow carnival of love to friends and family. Taylor calls it “Mini Happiness” which is pretty cute.
We see couples moving into their apartments, which are apparently in the 365 Nicollet tower. Forget about face blindness, these spaces are giving me apartment blindness. They’re like dorm rooms for yuppies.
As the contestants settle into their sterile McApts, Monica tells the most horrifying story about putting on a clean pair of jeans only to find that a spider had built a nest in them, lovingly referring to it as a “crotch spider.” She also explains that her family keeps a sock bin, a shared basket of socks free for all members of the family. Is this weird? I think it kinda is.
“I’ve never heard of a sock fetish but your family definitely has one,” Joey concludes, grossed out by all of this.
Meanwhile, Devin gives Virginia a tour of his real-life apartment, which looks as empty and white as the 365 apartments. They talk about finances. Virginia wants a prenup, which is unexpected, but smart considering they both own and run their own companies and he has some gnarly medical bills due to his back issues. Way to assert your fiscal security, Virginia!
Dave also lives in a white vacuum. His place is even emptier, with a can of beer in a fridge, kitchen cabinets devoid of plates or anything that could be used to cook, and a rough-looking media console/TV stand with the drawers taken out of it. The couch has a comforter on it for friends who need to crash.
Closet tour! He has a bunch of One Direction shirts and a purple pimp hat that he proudly puts on.
They talk about Lauren’s non-boyfriend again. Apparently the guy in question lives in the 365. Well, that sure is convenient for show producers!
“I’m a fragile state [sic] right now,” says Lauren, in tears.
Fam Jam! Fam Jam!
We conclude this nothingburger episode with the best thing ever: Joey is about to meet Monica’s family. Her parents are there, as well as her sister and her sister’s boyfriend, who used to date Monica. Apparently she set them up while she was dating him—this family does share!
It’s “fam jam” time! “In our house, we have no shame,” starts her mother, explaining that it’s time for a fam jam session. They pass around a basket of instruments and start jamming together. Monica’s dad goes nuts on the bongos! The boyfriend is totally going full Ren Fest on a recorder. It’s the dorkiest thing I have ever seen and I love it.
“After seeing him play the flute? I was stimulated” Joey jokes to the family.
She shows him their sock bin. “How many different feet have been in there?” asks Joey. “It’s just my family feet!” exclaims Monica.
This family is a sitcom.
… until the sister kinda tries to break Monica and Joey up. She says she’s kinda peeved that her younger sister is getting married first and thinks that Joey is a good actor. Uh oh!
Episode 9: The EX-Files
Taylor meets Daniel’s family. Everyone is actually cute. There are dogs.
Back in Minneapolis, Lauren and Dave go to a spin class with two of Lauren's friends. There’s a neon sign on the wall that says “Grit Grind Attitude.” I don’t really know what that means in the context of a cycling class, but OK.
They do a workout. Dave gets smoked by the class and looks miserable (and very red). He claims the bike is too small and has to stop a few times.
Afterwards, he chats with Lauren and her friends, who seem very annoyed that Dave is still hung up on the same hookup shit. He says he doesn’t know what is real and what is not. The women raise their eyebrows and say it wasn’t a real thing. Like damn, can’t a single gal get laid on her way to a reality show? Still, the “whole timeline” is freaking him out. Lauren is crying again.
“What did you expect though?” Lauren’s friend asks, annoyed.
“I’m 32 years old, you know. I’m not in high school,” says Dave. Oh, I see. This is more “girl drama” for him even though he is the one being dramatic.
“Well, OK, sad!” says a friend as they leave.
Lauren and Dave agree that this meetup “was good.” I do not agree.
Meeting Families
The middle of this episode is all about meeting families. Devin’s family is the only one that has a house that looks lived in. They obviously filmed things around Easter, so there are bunnies and Easter eggs everywhere. I love it. We also get to meet their pet pig Pico. Cute.
Ben and Sara go to Blackstack Brewing to meet some of his friends. When Sara brings up her gay sister, one of Ben’s friends mentions that she's a lesbian. We also learn that he has an agnostic friend.
Next scene: A shot of a birdhouse rattling in the wind. We must be in the suburbs! Taylor introduces Daniel to her family. Her mom says that she feels like the show robbed her of special moments she could have had with her daughter as she got engaged, which is a really interesting way to put it.
Daniel’s family shows up to say “hi.” They tell them that they have dibs on the kids on Christmas and you can tell they are not joking.
We end this episode with two fights. Lauren and Dave argue about that guy she didn’t date for the millionth time. She cries again. Dave says he is confused about reality again. She cancels meeting his friends and walks out.
Meanwhile, some TikToker has been talking shit about Ben. He doesn’t remember much about her and says she’s overreacting. Sara warns him to spill the beans if there are beans to spill because she doesn’t want to find out he’s been sketchy around town. Let’s hope she’s not reading any of the numerous local Reddit threads talking shit about Ben’s history on dating apps. Will this get awkward? Stay tuned!
Or not. This is still a colossally dull season.
