This episode’s puppetmaster is Sarah, a cocktail waitress in Minneapolis.
“Being a cocktail waitress, you’re bombarded by guys often,” she says. “You have to learn how to flirt ‘cause it’s what makes the tips at the end of the day.” The bar she works at looks soooo familiar, but I can’t place it! Any guesses, readers?
Sarah also likes guys who like to have fun. (“Definitely having fun is the #1 factor.”)
They cut to her at an indoor swimming pool. She does a beginner’s/kiddie dive into the water. (Smart choice when you’re in a bikini and a camera’s on you.)
“There’s something extremely sexy about being in the water,” she explains, concluding that “having a good time is what makes my night.” This lady has very reasonable expectations!
That Ain't Lake Minnetonka
We start with an establishing location montage/B-roll. We get a shot of the Hennepin Avenue Bridge right at the iconic Grain Belt sign, “Lake Minnetonka” emblazoned in the upper corner. Lies! That's the Mississippi. They show some downtown skyscrapers, then cut to people on Lake Minnetonka.
Time to meet the dudes.
First we get Timm (yes, with a double "M.") He’s a waiter who makes his own clothes. “I think the girls like me because I got the Backstreet Boys look. And I’ve been told I look like Ryan Seacrest.” This won’t be the first time he mentions Ryan Seacrest. He’s got that spiky bleached hair with roots a lot of dudes had 20-something years ago. Ah, the ‘00s.
Next we have Wes, he’s a landscape architect and street racer. (Wes, is it you I hear burning rubber late at night in south Minneapolis?) Steve is a cell phone salesman who was Homecoming King. (“I’m Steve and women fall in love with me for no reason.”) Jason is an automotive technician who loves boxing. He’s wearing a red shirt that says “Jerk.” “I just go out and get hammered and do my thing with my buddies,” he says. “I can be smooth and stupid all at the same time.” Throughout this episode Jason’s going to be saying dumb things while barely keeping a straight face. He’s this ep's troll. Thank you for your service, dude.
Jason brought Sarah a Scooby Doo watch. Two of the four guys are wearing seashell necklaces. There's a lot of hair gel/spikiness going on. I bet it hurts to touch their heads. We’re already off to a great start!
Sarah asks the guys what they do for a living. Jason jokes that he drives ice cream trucks in the summer and plays video games in the winter. One of the guys makes fun of him for playing video games “full time.” Oh man, you have no idea what the future will be like.
Timm explains that he works at a fine-dining restaurant in downtown Minneapolis. Sarah tells him that you can’t be a server all your life. Oh, Sarah, yes, yes you can. Especially if you love it, which Timm really seems to. Also, fine-dining servers can make BANK. Timm says he works with a guy who’s been doing it for 15 years. Right on, Timm. He points out again that he looks like Ryan Seacrest. Oh, Timm.
Sarah notes that the guys seem really chill, so she asks them what’s the craziest thing they’ve ever done. Jason says he watched some Jackass last Fourth of July and decided to shoot bottle rockets out of his butt. “I had blisters for like, two weeks,” he says. “I couldn’t go to the gym and shower because I was afraid I looked like I had some sort of disease on my ass.”
The guys tease him, of course. “The best part is when I stick in and it doesn’t shoot out,” he claims. Jason, no! Be careful, buddy!
The guys decide to strip down to their undies and jump in the water. Sarah does not join them because she doesn’t want to mess up her hair. Valid. She asks to see Jason’s butt blisters, as one does. He jokingly does a somersault in the water.
“When we jumped in the water it felt good until I looked over and 'firecracker ass' was doing somersaults in the water,” narrates Steve. “Kinda weird.”
Time to ElimiDATE! Sarah chooses Timm. They put him on a boat that Sarah unlatches it and pushes him away. Jason drops to his knees and shouts “Noooo!”
“The profession of being a waiter is good for some people,” she says. “But for myself, I want my man to be a little more goal orientated.” Ah yes, "orientated." That, along with “conversate,” were everyone’s favorite kinda-ish words back in the '00s. Good times.
Phase Two: Faking Cat Deaths and Drinking on a Dock
The gang is taking a limo to Maynard’s on the lake. In the limo they talk about bad blind dates. Steve says he once asked a waiter to come over to their table and tell him that someone had called the bar to tell him his cat died. Folks, this is what we had to work with back in the days before smart phones. Everyone kiss and thank their ‘droids and iPhones tonight for being amazing scapegoats.
Sarah asks them what they are best at, romantically.
“I practice a lot of tongue endurance moves,” says Jason, still on his blessed troll bullshit. “I like Chiquita bananas, so I like to play with those.”
Everyone calls him gay. Sarah asks if he swings both ways. Jason says something I can’t quite hear but it ends with “later tonight.” Hey, Jason is just a dude who likes to set fire to his ass, get blackout drunk, and tongue wrassle bananas with the bros. No shade; we all have our ways of having fun.
“First it’s firecrackers then it’s bananas,” says a scandalized Steve. “All I know is I’m standing at least 10 feet away the whole time.”
Sarah says she likes kissing. She makes out with all three guys. You can see people walking by in the background rubbernecking and laughing. Amazing.
ElimiDATE time! “Jason, I’m sorry bro. I’d drink a case of beer with you, but you’re a jerk!” says Steve in an interview. Bromance?
But alas, it's Steve who is elimiDATED. He leaves in a very classy style, saying nice things to her and telling the camera crew in his exit interview that Sarah’s beautiful with a lot going for her.
Drunk Munchies Time!
The threesome heads back to the limo, where Wes calls Jason a liar. Turns out he doesn't own an ice cream truck or play video games full time. I don't think anyone else on the date thought he was telling the truth there, but Wes cracked the case. They stop at Adele’s drive-thru. Wes and Sarah get milkshakes and Jason orders chili dogs. Hell yeah, get that free ElimiDATE food.
The guys fight more. Jason gets slut shamed by Wes and Sarah, then he slut shames women in general. Hmmm. Not cool, firecracker ass. He pops open his chili dog to-go box and goes “Ooooh.” The scene abruptly ends.
Finding Love in Total Darkness
ElimiDATE time! They’re on a dock and it’s pitch black out. Sarah chooses Wes, who we barely saw or heard from this episode. Actually, that might be a good sign? Jason rides off into the dark night in the limo. “Obviously she’s young and dumb, and doesn’t know better,” he narrates. Sure, dude. Suuuuure. “I got a limo, I got drinks, and I got booze. I’m ready to go start it up.” We can only assume that he ended his night lighting fireworks from his ass then refusing to take a shower while blackout drunk at a gym.
And that’s it for this episode, gang! We can only assume Wes and Sarah are still together, on that Minnetonka dock.
Were you a contestant on ElimiDATE? Hit me up at jessica@racketmn.com; I would love to talk with you!
