Not too long ago, I asked ChatGPT the question, “Is it OK to pay for sex?” Here’s the answer I got:
Paying for sex is a complex issue that varies based on legal, ethical, and personal considerations. In some places, it’s legal and regulated, while in others, it’s illegal. It’s important to think about consent, safety, and the potential implications involved. Ultimately, whether it's "OK" can depend on individual beliefs, local laws, and the context of the situation.
Honestly, not bad, robots! But also... not terribly helpful. Lucky for y’all, you have a living, breathing local columnist who specializes in sex and sex work and can help you wade through all these murky what-ifs, so let’s get into it.
There are some obvious legal implications when it comes to paying for sex. There are also moral, ethical, and feminist perspectives to consider—not to mention the social stigma that comes with paying for sex. It’s not quite cool yet, unless you roll with the right crowds.
But ultimately, this living, breathing sex columnist says, “Yes, it’s OK to pay for sex.” I’ll explain why.
Let’s start with a thought experiment: If I were to have consensual sex on camera and get paid, that’s pornography, and it’s legal. As soon as the camera goes away, it’s prostitution, and it’s illegal. Why?
It’s complicated, and yet ultimately, arbitrary. To unpack this question, we have to start by uncoupling legality and morality.
Legality is the manifestation of thoughts and ideas of people in power and their constituents. Legality is not (and should not be) a declaration of what is morally “right.” When we conflate these two ideas in public policy, we make the government the arbiter of morality—a nightmare for us anti-establishment types.
The act of prostitution (i.e., exchanging money or something of value for sexual acts), though not a federal crime, is criminalized in every state (and most cities), including Minnesota. Cities have their own additional ordinances that target adult industry workers and further define the amount of control and surveillance the government can wield over said workers.
Here in the Twin Cities, as in most places around the country, it’s illegal to offer sexual services in exchange for money, and it’s illegal to hire someone for the provision of sexual services. In other words, both the “buyers” and the “sellers” of sex are criminalized.
Guess who else is criminalized in this transaction? Literally everyone else involved, including managers, the landlords of the establishment the act takes place in, and anyone privy to the transaction, including roommates, friends, drivers, and safety buddies. If your mom checks in with you after a transaction, she could be liable for trafficking charges, even though she’s trying to keep you safe.
This is clearly a ridiculous waste of time and resources for consenting adults, right? Right.
Most global and national human rights organizations including Amnesty International, The ACLU, and the United Nations agree that this model of handling the sex trade puts more people at risk for violence than it does good for society. TL;DR: Do not let the laws of a society dictate what is “right.”
So, legality aside, is paying for sex morally “OK”?
Not everyone will agree with me here, and that’s alright. Just hear me out.
Sex is a biological imperative and also a spiritual one for many people. In psychology, there’s the concept of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, which outlines the motivation behind human behavior based on human needs. We understand sexuality as a physiological need, which lies on the bottom of the pyramid along with food, water, and shelter. It shows up secondarily as the third rung from the bottom of the pyramid alongside familial and community ties.
Sex is important to people—despite what your midwestern and/or deeply Catholic sensibilities might have you believe. We need food, water, shelter, and connection. We need sex to reproduce, and for many of us, to be emotionally fulfilled as well.
I do not think we should have to pay for the things we need to survive, but people absolutely pay for housing, health care, food, water, and other goods. In a world where everything is commodified, there’s no reason to vilify the purchasing of consensual sex.
In a debate on this exact topic, Kaytlin Bailey, Executive Director of the sex worker-focused nonprofit media org Old Pros and host of the Oldest Profession Podcast says, “It is OK to pay for sex, but you don’t have to believe that buying sexual services is OK to know that criminalizing people who do leads to bad outcomes.”
Feminist Perspectives
Second-wave feminist arguments from the 1960s and 1970s were often sex-negative, anti-trans, and anti-sex work on the premise that sex is only a tool of the patriarchy. However, modern gender justice advocates tend to incorporate a pro-sex worker rights lens in their movement-building strategies on the premise that sex and gender can be sites of individual liberation.
I’m reminded of the episode of Sex in the City where Carrie accidentally gets paid to go on a date and immediately has an existential crisis. Samantha (the best character in the show IMO) offers some wisdom: “Money is power. Sex is power. Therefore, getting money for sex is simply an exchange of power.”
She’s not wrong.
Many people pay for sex, intimate touch, energy exchange, and time spent. Some of these people are licensed massage therapists, while others are reiki healers, chiropractors, medicine men, coaches, and consultants.
Going back to the thought experiment outlined earlier: Second-wave feminists tend to argue that pornography (and sex work in general) is solely a site of exploitation, while gender justice advocates tend to recognize the liberty that a paying job has on a person who needs an income for any reason (and the reason is always capitalism).
In a world where people are bombarded with sex symbols but deprived of true tenderness and intimacy, it’s no wonder there's a market for sex work.
Land o’ Lusts is a love letter to the bohemian underbelly of the Twin Cities. In each installment, writer Melodie KG—a Minneapolis-based consultant, nonprofit leader, and adult industry professional—seeks to dispel myths, uphold truths, and inspire conversations that reduce stigma for local sex workers, erotic professionals, risqué artists, and other deviants.
Have an idea for a story or profile? Interested in being interviewed? Have a (hopefully not literally) burning sex question? Reach out to me at contact@melodie-kg.com.
