Welcome back to The Flyover, your daily midday digest of what local media outlets and Twitter-ers are gabbing about.
Pee-Obsessed Dr. Gov. Scott Jensen: “We’ve Lost Our Minds”
As Election Day fast approaches, alleged physician and somehow actual gubernatorial candidate Scott Jensen has started playing the greatest hits for the fans. Last week, CNN reports, he hauled out the No. 1 moral panic/internet hoax of 2022: “Why do we have litter boxes in some of the school districts so kids can pee in them, because they identify as a furry?” That would be a good question maybe if not for one pesky little fact: No schools are doing this, come the fuck on, you demented quack. That hasn't stopped Republicans nationwide from flinging it into the gaping minds of their faithful believers.
Jensen went on to… dismiss rumors that children have cloacas or something, maybe? Why else would he declare “They've got—they've got a urethra and an anus to discharge waste and fluid solids”? (Maybe to prove he’s a real doctor?) Guess every generation gets the Mikey dying from Pop Rocks and Coke and Rod Stewart getting cum pumped out of his stomach it deserves. Or maybe the plan is to say crazy enough shit that eventually even “drug dealers are disguising fentanyl as unwrapped Sweet Tarts” starts to sound credible. During the remarks, Jensen also repeatedly exclaimed “We’ve lost our minds,” which would be a good campaign slogan for the Jensen-Birk ticket. As for Jensen, someone should rub his nose in his own pee till he comes to his senses.
It's... Better Than Nothing?
But not by much! After an arduous and confusing application process that started back in June, state officials announced this morning that 1,025,655 checks will go out to pandemic frontline workers. They'll be... $487.45 each. If that doesn't sound like much to you, "hero pay" wise, you're certainly not alone—as essential workers have noted, the monetary thanks they get amounts to less than a week of the expanded unemployment benefits for the 9-to-5 types who got laid off during the pandemic. The DFL had initially pushed for an estimated 667,000 workers to get $1,500 each, totaling $1 billion in hero pay; Republicans wanted to give $1,200 checks to roughly 200,000 workers, totaling $250 million. In the end, we got this compromise: $500 million, split among more than a million workers. Anyway, checks and direct deposits should start hitting this week.
Woody Harrelson Invests Big in Minneapolis-Based Vegan Startup
Plant-based is currently having a moment thanks to recent recipe breakthroughs that taste so much better than the sad stuff we were offered in the ‘90s and ‘00s. And with innovation comes new companies. Wicked Kitchen is one of ‘em; the Minneapolis-headquartered vegan food company shills things like sauces, instant noodles, ice creams, and condiments with nary a dairy or body part. Last week, the company announced that it has raised $20 million to further expand the brand, and longtime vegan megastar Woody Harrelson is named as a major investor. You might remember Harrelson from such hits as Friends with Benefits, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, and Harper Valley P.T.A. "What I love about this brand is that the products are actually created by chefs that always put flavor first, making it so easy to go plant-based," said Harrelson via a very natural-sounding statement. Right now, the products are sold in the U.S. through Sprouts and Krogers, neither of which are in the Twin Cities metro, so let’s hope the cash influx brings their offerings to their hometown.
Feel-Good Jacket Story Temporarily Restores Faith In Humanity
The internet, as you know, is bad. But today, for at least one un-bad moment, it allowed for locals to come together in pursuit of reuniting a lost jacket with its rightful owner. Among the pins/clues adorning the denim jacket that was discovered in a Minneapolis alleyway: Bent Paddle Brewing Co., Garfield, MPR's Call to Mind mental health project, and Haleakalā National Park. “This seems like a job for @racketmn,” one Twitter user suggested. Turns out we weren’t needed at all! Through the powers of social media, the jacket’s owner, Julietta Borman, was identified. Featuring 300+ pins and buttons, the prized clothing artifact was apparently stolen two weeks ago from Borman’s car. “It's not about the jacket itself, it's about the memories of the pins and who gave them to me,” she wrote at the time. “In high school I was super shy and would never wear anything outside of the box but always wanted to. This jacket stands for me being happy with being me." Just hours ago, following the internet search party, Borman posted a photo of herself beaming with her returned jacket under the caption: “Miracles do come true!!!”