On Saturday, the Racket tip line received an email with the subject line "stop everything, tremendous news." The tipster, whose identity we will keep anonymous for arbitrary reasons, supplied the following intel:
"Monday's Drew Barrymore show, which I know is hard-lock appointment viewing for all of America, has a segment where they make Juicy Lucys. She and Bobby Flay shout out Minneapolis a bit, and one of the audience is a Real Live Minnesotan and he talks about Matt's. I'll understand if you have to take a minute to decide what to do with this momentous news."
Monday came and went, and we... forgot all about The Drew Barrymore Show, a CBS variety/talk show that apparently debuted last year. But the unnamed tipster sure made the segment sound important, and we had already exhausted our other investigative lead by googling "pandora papers minnesota" and coming up empty. So we dispatched a reporter to sleuth out the 9-minute clip that had already attracted 1,902 YouTube views.
Our bombshell findings are as follows:
1. It's reportedly "Thrifty Week" on The Drew Barrymore Show. How much money does the quirky, personable, 46-year-old A-lister have? According to the always reliable CelebrityNetWorth.com, Barrymore is worth $125 million. Nice.
2. Drew's guest, celebrity chef Bobby Flay, short-sells the Juicy Lucy—Minnesota's lone culinary export to the world—as a "stuffed burger," making no immediate mention of its geographic origins. What the fuck?
3. The only "Early Life" detail on Flay's Wikipedia page, outside of his being born and raised in Manhattan, is a Freudian minefield: "At age 8, Flay asked for an Easy-Bake Oven for Christmas. His father thought that a G.I. Joe would be more gender-appropriate. Despite his father's objections, he received them both."
4. Is Flay's decision to infuse these beef patties with pimento cheese ("if you're from the South, you grew up eating this") cultural appropriation worthy of swift cancellation? Yes.
5. As Drew stirs her bowl of pimento cheese, she notes "You can smell the acid too." Strange comment from a genuinely weird, always likable Hollywood star.
6. Drew, after just hearing that she's stirring pimento cheese, says "queso... it's not queso?" To which Flay, who we're beginning to dislike, snaps back: "No it's not queso, it's called pimento cheese."
7. Is Bobby Flay an asshole? Our preliminary research proved inconclusive, though we did discover that his cat, Nacho, has a quarter-million Instagram followers.
8. Drew struggles to seal a massive lump of cheese inside her beef patties. "Bobby why does yours look nice and mine is already messy?" Flay, to his credit, proves helpful and kind in this moment, thus winning some points with this skeptical news outlet.
9. "Mine does look weird," Drew says of her weird-looking burger. Massive applause from the in-studio audience. Who is this show for?
10. Coming back from break, Drew re-introduces Flay as "chef, author, restaurateur, and all-around awesome human being." Perhaps we were wrong about Flay, whose cat Nacho recently helped feed 180,000 needy cats, according to this credulous press release.
11. Sike, motherfucker! We're almost at the four-minute mark and Flay has not pledged fealty to Minneapolis for inspiring his stupid burger recipe. You're no longer allowed in our town, chef.
12. The crowd shots of dead-eyed, mask-wearing attendees sitting perfectly still until, seal-like, they obey the applause sign? Dystopian stuff.
13. Alright, Flay's pimento cheese Juicy Lucy is topped with chipotle mayo, pickled green chili relish, and bacon... it looks damn good, and we're objective enough, in this and all matters, to admit that.
14. Flay is worth just $60 million, per CelebrityNetWorth.com.
15. "Thank goodness for Minneapolis," Flay finally yields, after applying the bacon strips that, if we're being relentless pedants, don't really apply to a true Juicy Lucy, thus rendering his pandering false.
16. Drew gets in on the pandering herself, giving a shoutout to local CW affiliate WUCW. We love you, Drew.
17. Now things get interesting. "We have a real-life Minnesotan in our audience," Drew exclaims while introducing Kareem, the real-life Minnesotan.
18. A member of the Drew Crew presents Kareem with his mutant Lucy; Kareem hams it up for the cameras. We love you, Drew and Kareem.
19. Drew probes Kareem for the historical progenitor of the Juicy Lucy. Kareem, who tells us he's been eating Juicy Lucys for 15 years, cites Matt's Bar, though notes other establishments lay claim to the burger. Given the time constraints of daytime TV segments, it's probably wise that he opted to not litigate the Matts vs. 5-8 Club rivalry in front of Drew and her audience.
20. Is Kareem an actor plant? Our dude is extremely at-ease while yakking it up. Look for a Racket investigation into Kareem in the following weeks. (Update: Probably!)
21. Flay takes a large, neat bite out of his Juicy Lucy.
22. Drew takes an even larger, sloppy bite out of hers.
23. Kareem mauls the goddamn thing! Just a shark-like attack on that burger. Good lord Kareem! The audience members (and, it seems, Racket) go wild.
24. The Drew Barrymore Show was renewed for a second season back in July. Good for Drew!
25. Kareem, our resident expert, describes Flay's Juicy Lucy as "so dope," noting that the relish "snaps hard."
26. After taking additional munches, Drew strikes an emotional chord as she compliments Flay's relationship with his daughter, with whom he co-hosts a podcast. This humanization attempt falls flat; we'll never forget how Flay barked at Drew about the cheese not being queso.
27. Drew attempts to connect with Flay over their shared love of Maine Coon cats. Flay, that crass capitalist, seizes on the opportunity to plug Nacho's signature "cat-crafted cat food," Made by Nacho. I know we're supposed to suspend disbelief and quietly recognize that Nacho, personally, is not committing charitable acts and producing a line of cat food... but c'mon man.
28. Drew wants her cat, Peach, to have sex with Nacho.
29. "Thank you Minneapolis," Drew shouts as we go to commercial. "We love you for so many reasons, but this has gotta go right at the top of the list."
30. Remember when Drew showered North Loop salon Urban Village SalonSpa with gifts? Remember when she plugged The Future—the south Minneapolis project space/artist market/spa/Aquarian lab/artist residency/library/workshop/event space—in her small biz gift guide? Is Drew Barrymore… an honorary local?
31. Remember when Drew briefly married Tom Green? Nutty stuff.
32. In conclusion, The Drew Barrymore Show's Juicy Lucy segment didn't obsess over hyper-localized minutia to our satisfaction, though Drew proved to be a delightful host. Bobby Flay, as mentioned above, is banned in perpeuity from the greater 15-county Twin Cities area.