At this point, you might be asking yourself: Why, Racket, why?
Well, bub, you clicked on the damn article, so you've yielded any moral high ground—sorry! We're going to rank Minneapolis's first 20 mayoral terms, based not on accomplishments or failures, but rather on how attractive (or unattractive!) we find the old, white political dinosaurs who served ‘em. Did they serve or did they serve?
Given the current sociopolitical climate, we're 98% certain this frivolous exercise won't get us canceled; plus you gotta factor in very real legal considerations like the statute of limitations, etc. Since we’re productively grilling each 2025 mayoral candidate over Mexican food, why not counterproductively objectify their longdead counterparts?
OK, you get the idea: Let's rank these ancient mayors from least to most hot! You might just learn something* in the process. (*You will not.)
Robert Pratt, 18th Mayor
Look, we all know that you can be bald and hot. But you can also be bald and Robert Pratt.
George A. Pillsbury, 13th Mayor
There are neck beards, and then there is whatever you’d call that white mossy growth underneath this milling magnate’s chin. Absolute dealbreaker. Fun fact: His more successful brother, John S. Pillsbury, co-founded the family company and served as the eighth governor of Minnesota.
Dorilus Morrison, 1st and 3rd Mayor
Dorilus is a beautiful name. Unfortunately, however, this early General Mills investor looks like the doggy van from Dumb & Dumber.
Alonzo Cooper Rand, 11th Mayor
Those are the sad eyes of a man who has seen some shit. And that is the asymmetrical mustache of a man who had other things on his mind than personal grooming.
George A. Brackett, 6th Mayor
Shoutout to Brackett for being instrumental in the procurement and preservation of Minnehaha Park. Shame on this hard-luck business tycoon for looking like a stern ghost.
John De Laittre, 10th mayor
A kindly-looking 5 out of 10!
Hugh G. Harrison, 2nd Mayor
You know that plague of AI slop pics, where digital people carve sculptures out of digital wood? Mayor Harrison looks more convincingly carved from oak.
Edward C. Babb, 15th Mayor
What exactly is this fellow hiding under that snowy thatch of hair? He looks like Steve Martin in a bad Civil War sketch. Or like a shoebill bird. A beard is not a personality, Mayor Babb.
Orlando C. Merriman, 8th Mayor
Swagged-out name, which must be taken into consideration. On the other hand, outside of his soulful bedroom eyes, this former mayor of St. Anthony appears to be a stock image for “lawyer-turned-banker from the 19th century.”
Eli B. Ames, 4th Mayor
We won’t fault Ames for looking like part of the stomp-clap ‘10s wave of abysmal indie-folk. The Mumfords and Lumineers copied him, not the other way around!
Philip B. Winston, 16th Mayor
A mustache? Also not a personality. Yet another Minneapolis pol who might be kind of a looker if clean-shaven. Also: Major points deducted for having served as a lieutenant in the Confederate States Army, if the facial hair wasn’t enough of a tell. At the same time… this (likely evil) Ron Swanson-ass character’s BDE is off the friggin’ charts.
Eugene McLanahan Wilson, 5th and 7th Mayor
This dashing dandy twink served as a captain on the correct side of the Civil War, though, unfortunately, his regiment found itself on the wrong side of the Dakota War of 1862, which led to the largest mass execution in U.S. history.
William Henry Eustis, 17th Mayor
A distinguished-looking fellow, and the rare Minneapolis mayor who does not overcompensate with facial hair. Credit to Eustis for donating much of his real estate empire to charity, hotly describing his wealth as "mostly unearned increment."
A.A. (Doc.) Ames, 9th, 12th, 14th, and 20th Mayor
Doc Ames was the king of Minneapolis, having served four (!) non-consecutive terms as mayor. The hyper-alpha Teddy Roosevelt clone rose to fame for his heroics while treating tornado victims in central Minnesota. His political career, while long and powerful, ended in scandal, with a McClure's Magazine takedown headlined "The Shame of Minneapolis." Still, our man brings serious Mr. Big vibes, and we’re swooning like Carrie Bradshaws over here.
James Gray, 19th Mayor
That high, distinguished forehead, those dreamy eyes, the lack of comically overgrown facial hair. We are Gray-pilled; this Scottish-born newspaperman can still get it.
