So… anybody in need of some advice? Friends tired of hearing about it? In between therapy appointments? Allow me to introduce myself. I’m a standup comedian and writer, recently returned from D.C. to my hometown of Minneapolis. Friends tell me I give good advice, not that I follow it. But wisdom is the fruit of life’s mistakes—or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. (I am actively avoiding the obvious “pearls of wisdom” pun here because I am not quite 90 years old.) Currently single and living with my mother, perpetually putting away laundry, I am in no place to judge. But I will, just a little bit, if you’d like. Let’s dive in.
What can be done to make the world more single-friendly? Everything is built around the expectation that one is, at minimum, partnered, if not in a family with kids. Those are great things, but it seems the status quo forces folks into bad relationships. What can we do??—Friendly Single
Dear Friendly Single,
I hear you. Boy, do I hear you. The Midwest is an especially tough place for single people. Most people my age (30-something) are on their second kid or second marriage even and here I am, single and living with my mom. But we are not alone, FS, the number of women who are single has gone up 20 percent in the last decade. (Must be something in the water.) And let’s all admit that being in a couple doesn’t magically fix you. Just ask anyone who’s been married over a year. So, with that in mind, the singles and the couples must forge an alliance.
Singles, forget those years of Nora Ephron propaganda and decenter romantic relationships. Trust me, a bad relationship is worse than none at all. When the apps are getting you down, tap out for a bit (if you’ve seen me on Hinge, no you haven’t).
Couples, give each other a break. If you want a healthy partnership, you still need friends outside of your relationship or you risk putting too much pressure on your partner. Reach out to friends you haven’t talked to in a while. We miss you. No need to fear the singles, we won’t judge how many Cheerios are on your floor. At least you have an excuse why your place is a mess.
Organize get-togethers. I met someone recently who is so on-point in coordinating orgies that they have catering and a Mario Kart room for taking a breather. (Not my scene but I was impressed by the community-building.) Dinner parties and game nights are probably easier to host, but the point is, if you build it, they will come.
You have to be a bit relentless with Minnesotans, but we’re all dying to connect. Leave your house. Try new activities. Talk to strangers. I started going to a mixed martial arts gym and met some really cool women. We used to train Muay Thai together and now we get dressed up to go on friend dates. Being single shouldn’t stop you from feeling hot and having fun. Since the world isn’t friendly to singles, flip the script and be friendly to the world. We’re all single in the eyes of the ever-expanding Universe after all.
I have a classic mid-20s partner roommate conundrum. I've been seeing my partner for 2.5 years and we both live separately in south Minneapolis with roommates. I've become pretty good friends with my partner's three roommates, they've affectionately called me their fifth roommate. Over the last few months, however, I've gotten a creeping sense that a little resentment might be brewing amongst the roomies towards me and my partner. I don't pay for groceries or toilet paper or rent but spend usually three nights a week in this house. They are super indirect midwestern girls who only communicate vaguely through passive aggression, but things were made clear when they told my partner that they'd like to know our schedule as a couple each week/be told pretty far in advance when I'll be coming.
I feel like it's my partner's job to take charge of this situation: to proactively ask them what their boundaries are around our relationship and me visiting. And my partner is being aloof (and maybe insensitive?) about this whole thing. I think my partner is not being very thoughtful about this—they are super generous to me with their food and prefer that I come to their place because my partner’s bed is bigger and comfier and all of their stuff is there. I don't think we want to move in together.
What should I do?!?! I want to maintain a fun-loving relationship with these roomies and don't think it's my role to bring this all up to them. Basically, this is a Californian asking how to deal with some serious Minnesota nice BS. Please advise.—The Fifth Roomie
Fifth Roomie,
Uff da, you’re in a deep-fried pickle on-a-stick. I’m going to attempt to give you a blunt answer. Tell your partner you don’t feel welcome and they need to talk to their roommates about it. If you feel even a little uncomfortable every time you stay at their place, our partner needs to address the issue.
You could grease the wheels by doing the classy move and gifting the roommates some bulk household items. It’s hard to be mad when you’re stocked up on Kirkland, and it shows the roomies (and your conflict-avoidant partner) that you’re willing to take some initiative. Part of Minnesotan culture is learning how to needle someone enough to get a straight answer, and, if unsuccessful, how to read in between the lines. It sounds like you’re picking up what these gals are putting down, and it’s time for your partner to get everyone on the same page so you can get back to snuggling in their big bed, carefree, happy, and full of waffles.
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