Michelle’s journey to love ends tonight with a three-hour (!!??) finale that is sure to include three things: a segment sponsored by a major diamond retailer, shots of Michelle looking out at the ocean, and at least one brutal rejection.
But it’s not about the winner of this romance gameshow; it’s about the journey, which has taken us through a tense game of musical chairs, a lutefisk eating challenge, and countless plates of uneaten food. Along the way, people have said some really funny shit, which is why many of us watch. (Honestly? If you gave me a glass of wine and threw me on a reality show I wouldn’t come across as anymore verbally eloquent.)
So with that said, let’s enjoy some of the silliest things people have said so far on this very Minnesota installment of The Bachelorette.
Bad intros, Weird Professions of Love, and Delusions
“No surprise to me, I know you are a teacher. No surprise to you, I used to be a student” — man with a ruler who is requesting a smack on the butt
“I gotta set the tone that our love is immaculate” –one dude in an interview
“Sexy car, sexy lady. Just a whole lot of sexy. It’s working out well” –Martin (aka Frosty) of his first date with Michelle
“Michelle has changed me in many ways” – Rick, after his first one-on-one date with Michelle.
“You are such a big part of my life now” –Brandon, to a woman he met a few weeks ago, and has never spent time with IRL off-camera
“I feel really good about coming to Mexico to finish falling in love” –Michelle
“I am literally going to rip out my heart and throw it on the table. I am not here to leave anything off the table” –Brandon
Pizzaprenuer Pete vs. Big Will
“He’s copying my thing! I gave Michelle my recipe for love. Basically he said the same thing I said, but in Spanish. I got rose-robbed” –Pizzaprenuer Pete on his sworn enemy, Big Will
“What else do you have to offer besides the slice, bro?” –Big Will to Pete
“Bro, you wish you had my mouth. You gotta throw these little chihuahua bites at my ankles” –Pete
“This jacket is a symbol of the disrespect I continue to get, so I had to put him in his place” – Pizzapreneur Pete explaining why he threw Big Will’s jacket in a pool.
Rat/Snake/Misc. Animal Paranoia
“There’s a rat in our midsts! I hope someone sets a rat rap!” –some dude
“I don’t mind a little fireworks tonight because when the pot gets stirred the rat will be exposed” –another dude
“His snake actions were his downfall” –another dude, on Jaime
“He’s a rat, a snake, a crocodile–basically every reptile out there” –Olu on Chris S.
“It’s pretty bad when everyone sees you in your birthday suit and it’s not your birthday” –Rodney, on his first date with Michelle
“No more parables, no more lies. Let’s go!” –Rodney, commenting on the “rat” situation.
“Oh, that’s unnatural!” –Rodney, watching guys milking a cow.
What are you trying to say??!!
“I am gonna whack the shit out of somebody with this bear!” –some dude.
“This right here was my spot” – Minnesota Joe, pointing to a cement wall at his former high school.
“We went from bros to foes, and it’s really awkward” –Minnesota Joe on making it to the final three