Brooklyn Park, Minnesota, is a hotbed of car-culture innovation. In 2022, the northern suburb gave us the "Taco Bell of the future," which, uh, turned out to not be the future—four years later, there's just the one tube-based TB drive-thru.
Then, for several years, nothing exciting happened.
Until!
Earlier this week we received a tantalizing press release that celebrated Monday's grand opening of "Sota Shine One-Six-Nine—officially home to the world’s longest car wash." Sota Shine, which opened its first car wash five years ago in Maple Grove, claims its new 300-footer shatters the world record, and that, at nearly 35,000 square feet, the all-indoor facility is five times larger than the average competition.
"It brings something completely new to the Twin Cities—the ability for customers to wash and clean their cars indoors, no matter what the Minnesota weather looks like," founder Nick Netley says via press release.
Ever susceptible to gimmickry, I loaded up my 1-year-old daughter and beelined to the 'burbs for a life-changing car wash experience. Here's what I learned...
1. This Car Wash is New, But Car Washes Aren't
Accordingly to a rigorously cited history on Carwash.com, Frank McCormick and J.W. Hinkle opened the very first car wash—Automobile Laundry—in Detroit, Michigan, in 1914. Don't walk away from this 1,000-word car wash review saying you didn't learn anything.
2. Buc-ee's Doesn't Want Any Part of This Fight
Buc-ee's, the southern gas station institution, still lays claim to the world's longest car wash, a 255-footer located in Katy, Texas. In its press release, Sota Shine comes for the king, outright stating that its new operation outsizes the Katy location. We reached out to Buc-ee's PR for a concession speech. Didn't hear back.
3. Good God, Getting to Brooklyn Park is a HIKE
I've visited Brooklyn Park from south Minneapolis three times in the past half-decade: once to review that wacky-ass Taco Bell, once to pick up this Racket birthday cake from Hy-Vee, and Tuesday in pursuit of a novel way to clean my vehicle. And I promise you this: I'll never tire of complaining about how long it takes. Thirty minutes! Not even in rush hour! As luck would have it...
4. Driving an EV Makes the Trek Cheaper, Gives You Moral Superiority
We should probably talk about the dirty little protagonist here, my 2021 Hyundai Kona EV. Due, in part, to our imperial war machine's misadventures near the Strait of Hormuz, gas ain't cheap. That didn't impact my electrified 16-mile journey up Hwy. 169. And ya know something? I'd like to think that fellow drivers, seen slamming their fists into the steering wheels of their gas-guzzlers, couldn't help but watch me zip by, suspend their road rage, and think, "That handsome, eco-conscious devil? He really cares."
5. You Arrive to an Industrial Hinterlands
See above.
6. But the Community Appears Excited
At least the Google reviews community. "Still being built not open yet but should be intense . Longest car wash bay ever will b opening soon. Its amazing in side very impressive," Shane Flanigan apparently speed-wrote one month ago in anticipation.
7. You're Met by Friendly IRL Attendants
As you approach the monolithic car wash, eager attendants stand near the entrance ready to chop it up and take your credit card.
"I always try to up-sell people because, if you're gonna be in the world's longest car wash, you should experience everything," an enthusiastic young attendant told me, convincingly.
8. At the Top End, You're Paying for all the Razzle-Dazzle
My $29.95 "Super Shine" wash included: 2-step presoak, underbody rinse, rust inhibitor, advanced wheel cleaner, high-pressure blast, ultimate surface protectant, something called "Graphene," ceramic sealant, and a spot-free rinse. If that sounds too expensive for a humble news/arts/culture shop, be a hero and help recoup the cost. There's also the $19.95 "Boundary Waters" wash and the $24.95 "North Star Deluxe" wash. Unlike for me, this probably won't be a tax write-off on the company card for you.
9. The Entrance Scared the Bejesus Outta Me
OK, seriously: How about a sign warning folks with heart conditions? Yeesh! Why does that one have his bony HAND UP IN THE AIR?! This thing was supposed to be built by Hopkins-headquartered Frana Companies not Wes Craven.
10. It's One of Those Ones That Locks Your Wheels Into a Track and Then Woosh, Off to the Slow, Slow Races
To Sota Shine's credit, the bisexual lighting makes the conveyer process feel like more of an event. Call it the Coachella of car washes.
11. Or Maybe Call It the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test of Car Washes, Man
The trippy colors! At one point, a projection light flashed SOTA SHINE across my windshield, which may or may not cause freakouts depending on your wavy graviness... car wash-wise.
12. 300 Feet? Quite Long.
According to the very real website The Measure of Things, 300 feet is the equivalent of...
- The Statue of Liberty
- Big Ben
- Four-fifths of a football field
- ... and then the examples gets real fraction-specific. Let's heap praise on me for not using AI overview to gather this important length reporting.
13. Vacuum Stations Are Available for Free Post-Wash
As for me? Didn't need 'em.
14. Your Infant Might Cry
Mine woke up from a nap as we exited, and my goodness was she upset. Real gasp-choke-sob cries, the ear-splitting kind that knife the heart of a new parent. To be clear, this was the fault of inept parenting, not Sota Shine. It's not like she saw the freaking skeletons outside the entrance....
15. Your Car Will Get Pretty Clean
I can't say my Kona emerged especially clean—not $30 clean. Some flecks of detritus survived the wash, only to be scraped away by my thumbnail, and the hand-shaped smears of baby sunscreen around the doors remained. Still, not bad. If nothing else that Graphene sheen screamed "Look at me, I drive an EV, and you're belching climate-killing poison like this isn't the only planet we've got—arrrrrrrgh!" all the way back to Minneapolis.
And isn't that what a solid car wash is all about?
