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Report: Figgy Pudding Spam Tastes Like Shit

Plus nurse contract talks stalled, fishy news for downtown, and making it harder for pro-lifers from fucking up traffic in today's Flyover.

SPAM

Welcome back to The Flyover, your daily midday digest of what local media outlets and Twitter-ers are gabbing about.

This Christmas: Diverse MOA Santas, Cursed Figgy Pudding-Style Spam

“War on Christmas” cultural conservatives surely don’t have this on their wish lists, but (roasting) chestnuts to them! Mall of America recently unveiled a lineup of ethnically diverse Kris Kringles, several of whom speak non-English languages. Upset by this affront to the canonically white Santa? We’re happy to report that *EARMUFFS YOUNGER RACKET RACKERS* Santa ain’t real, so who gives a shit? Meet all six global “Santa Experience” stars over at Bring me the News. Or just have yourself a merry little looksee here:

In other holiday news, Hormel’s figgy pudding-style Spam, rumored to be hitting grocery store shelves soon, reportedly tastes like dog shit. That’s according to a reviewer from the Washington Post, who managed to get her paws on an advanced sample of the spiced pork wad. “This was, I was sure, the product of an unholy, eggnog-fueled tryst between a hot dog and a fruitcake,” writes WaPo’s Emily Heil. “And I don’t mean that in a good way, as if there could possibly be a good way for such a monstrosity to taste. I feel the need to warn you and your kin—these are no good tidings.” The Strib, in keeping with its charitable approach to large Minnesota-based companies, simply wrote that the “salty mystery meat” is already selling out online.

Nurses: No Contract Progress, Another Strike Possible

Remember the largest private-sector nurses strike in U.S. history, the one that saw 15,000 nurses walk off the job across Minnesota for three days? The strike ended with no contract resolution, though workers had hoped otherwise. That hasn’t happened. Talks are stalled, according to a new feature-length story from Workday Magazine and In These Times, and tensions appear high. “If I had to boil down the six months of back and forth in negotiations, it’s that they want all of the control and none of the responsibility,” says Chris Rubesch, VP of the Minnesota Nurses Association. The national headlines the strike inspired didn’t budge executives from the 15 Twin Cities and Twin Ports hospitals, the union reports, and staffing levels—the main contractual sticking point—remain out of control. Another strike is reportedly still possible. “There are a lot of frustrated nurses frustrated with what the employer is not offering still,” Allina nurse Ali Marcanti says. “We are still fighting. We’re not satisfied.”

Downtown Minneapolis: Business Stuff is Happening There!

When McCormick & Schmick’s left downtown in 2020, it left a giant fish hole for folks who love a power lunch of midday seafood. But that will be changing soon, as The 801 Restaurant Group allegedly plans to move its 801 Fish concept into Mc&S’s former space at 8th and Nicollet in the US Bankcorp Center. The news comes from Axios, though the source “asked to remain anonymous because they were not authorized to discuss the deal publicly.” Secret fish brokering! A brief perusal of the restaurant’s St. Louis menu reveals that this place is definitely not cheap; we’re talking $50 main courses and $15 sides.  Meanwhile, in closing news, Nordstrom Rack at 80 S. Eighth St. in IDS Center’s Crystal Court is out, according to Minneapolis/St. Paul Business Journal. “We approach each of our markets holistically… We believe we’re best able to serve customers in the Minneapolis market by focusing on our nearby Nordstrom and Nordstrom Rack locations,” explained the company in a statement. The two-story downtown shop, which is usually pretty empty–and was even before Covid hit–will be closing sometime this week.

Minneapolis Plans to Create “Safety Zone” Around Planned Parenthood

Minnesota is talked about as an “Island of Abortion Access” in the post-Dobbs world, which overlooks how few places you can actually get an abortion in our state. There are, in fact, eight. In Minneapolis, we have the Planned Parenthood on Lagoon in Uptown, with a slightly awkward turnoff into its driveway that’s often haunted by anti-choice crowds. As a result, Tim Stanley of Planned Parenthood tells KSTP, “Cars get backed up, and it creates a lot of opportunity for misfortune.” With this in mind, the Minneapolis City Council is looking to create a “safety zone” to keep access to the driveway clear. This is too much, says Thomas Wilkin, “sidewalk counseling program director” for Pro-Life Action Ministries, who says his group just wants abortion-seekers to be aware of the other “options.” (Give birth? I think we’re all pretty aware of that option.) Anyway, let’s review some simple rules. Protesting against the powerful? Good! Hassling women on their way to a legal medical procedure? Very bad!